


First Three Weeks of the Season (and Cybersex)

by ikkiM



Series: Stannis Baratheon, Fantasy Football League Commissioner [6]
Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bad Cybersex, Blue Sweatpants To Match Her Eyes, Break Up, Chatting & Messaging, Crack, F/M, Fake Angst, Fantasy Football, Gen, Green Plaid Boxers, M/M, Viagra
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-22
Updated: 2014-09-27
Packaged: 2018-02-18 08:07:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 21,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2341187
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ikkiM/pseuds/ikkiM
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All right, because of how this works and because I cannot write and post every day, things flow a little differently.  This installment will cover three weeks of time instead of the usual one week.</p><p>I hope it all still makes sense.  Well fuck, did it make sense in the first place?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Sunday After the Draft, Driving Back to King's Landing

RedHeadedMother: What are Jaime and Brienne doing during the drive down?  
PerfectPrincess: they r fighting  
RedHeadedMother: About what now?  
PerfectPrincess: i think he wanst 2 hold hands and she doesn't want 2  
RedHeadedMother: Do you think he will be distracted by her when it comes to the league?  
PerfectPrincess: hes distracted by her when hes driving  
RedHeadedMother: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT

\--

Evenstar: Your lineup looks good. You had a good draft. You should be proud.  
WarriorMaiden: Thanks, Dad. But you know, injuries, something can always go wrong.  
Evenstar: I have faith in you.  
WarriorMaiden: I know.  
Evenstar: I thought you were going to call?  
WarriorMaiden: I'm driving back home now with Sansa and Jaime.  
Evenstar: The Lannister boy?  
WarriorMaiden: Yes.  
Evenstar: You've been spending an awful lot of time with him Brienne.  
WarriorMaiden: I have...  
Evenstar: Do I need to have a talk with him and mention my ability to deliver a bonecrushing hit? Maybe show him some of my old college football film? Send him the youtube links to my best plays?  
WarriorMaiden: Dad. I can take care of myself.  
Evenstar: Don't be silly. Of course you can take care of yourself. It is simply my duty as a father to intimidate, insult and frighten every man who even considers laying a hand on my little girl.  
WarriorMaiden: Not so little, Dad.  
Evenstar: Always my little girl. Always. I love you.  
WarriorMaiden: Love you too.

\--

SexViper: I am very pleased with our lineup this year.  
LimpingLord: Excellent. You don’t need me to actually do anything do you?  
SexViper: Of course not. This year, I will take down the Lannisters.  
LimpingLord: Avenge the family name, brother.

\--

Unknown: A man cannot help you.  
KellyCsBear: I was just hoping you could advise Viserys.  
Unknown: Should a man help his competition?  
KellyCsBear: He always goes for flash over substance. He drafted Tony Romo.  
Unknown: A quarterback can be a turnover machine.  
KellyCsBear: Khal Drogo would never have drafted Tony Romo.  
Unknown: A Horse Lord is in a different League.

\--

UKnowUWantMe: u drafted 2 many packers  
YoungWolf: dad says its the honorable thing  
UKnowUWantMe: whats honorable about sucking at fantasy football?  
YoungWolf: dunno, the pack will pull us thru though  
UKnowUWantMe: uh huh

\--

FlayMaster: I have little faith in Ramsay.  
SharkKing: did u see theon draft a kicker early?  
FlayMaster: We are going to kick your ass in week 1.  
SharkKing: probs. fuckin idiot theon

\--

FertileNonagenarian: so, dinner 2morrow?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Fine.  
FertileNonagenarian: i like 2 eat arond 430  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Good gods!  
FertileNonagenarian: u can come 2 my place and we can watch game shows after  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: We will meet at a restaurant at 730. No earlier. I will not set foot inside your home.  
FertileNonagenarian: demmit

\--

iluvgilly: so is brie still dating tyrion 2?  
Kingslayer: She was NEVER dating Tyrion. Brienne is my girlfriend. MINE.  
iluvgilly: k, jes checking, shes all urs  
Kingslayer: Sorry, it’s just taken so long for us to actually get together, I get a little jealous.  
iluvgilly: brienne is nice, u should b good 2 her  
Kingslayer: Are you warning me?  
iluvgilly: ...kinda?  
Kingslayer: Really, Sam?  
iluvgilly: she helped me w gilly, got 2 try  
Kingslayer: Understood.

\--

RedHeadedMother: Asha just left and that's the last of them.  
MrsYoungWolf: Cat, the smell is lingering. What do I do?  
RedHeadedMother: Cut an onion in half, put it rightside up in a bowl in on the back of the toilet.  
MrsYoungWolf: But won't that make my bathroom smell like onions?  
RedHeadedMother: That's better than smelling of Reek.  
MrsYoungWolf: You're right. Next time, he stays in a hotel.  
RedHeadedMother: Ned wants to talk...I have to go.

[RedHeadedMother has logged out of chat.]

MrsYoungWolf: Later Cat.

\--

BAMFLannister: Did you see the team my son drafted?  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Tyrion did a good job.  
BAMFLannister: Jaime will win this year.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: You really should give Tyrion more credit.  
BAMFLannister: ...  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: A bad draft can kill a team.  
BAMFLannister: Jaime could draft just as well if he put his mind to it.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Tywin...  
BAMFLannister: Fine! I'll send him a case of Arbor red.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Good.  
BAMFLannister: Now what are you going to do for Mace?  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: That's unfair.  
BAMFLannister: I know.

\--

Kingslayer: I wish you'd agreed to let Sansa take a turn driving.

[WarriorMaiden is not signed into chat.]

Kingslayer: If you had we could be in the back seat right now.

[WarriorMaiden is not signed into chat.]

Kingslayer: This girl can't go back to Winterfell soon enough. If she doesn't stop talking about designer sales, I'm going to shove a dirty sock in her piehole.

[WarriorMaiden is not signed into chat.]

Kingslayer: I'm going to put my hand on your thigh while you drive.

[WarriorMaiden is not signed into chat.]

Kingslayer: How can I miss you so much when you're right here beside me? A week of not being alone with you is going to kill me. And I'm not moving my hand, no matter how much you glare at me.

[WarriorMaiden is not signed into chat.]


	2. Week One, Monday.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Viagra. And Jaime's Cock.

SharkReek: lannister u asswipe  
Kingslayer: Oh, look, it’s the BabyShark. How’s the lineup? Getting crushed this week?  
SharkReek: fuck no, gonna beat the boltons  
Kingslayer: Doubt it.  
SharkReek: so, uh, u use viagra?  
Kingslayer: What the fuck?  
SharkReek: ur, like way older than brie dude, and she got no tits  
Kingslayer: Are you and your limp rotting cock suggesting that I can’t get an erection with MY GIRLFRIEND? And I'm not that much older. You fucktard.  
SharkReek: like...whut? 10 years older? jes wnna know if u try it  
Kingslayer: I have not. I will not. And I will break each and every bone in your hand if you so much as get near her.  
SharkReek: look, not interested  
Kingslayer: Better fucking not be. 

\--

URallAssholes: hey  
LadyRose: Hey.  
URallAssholes: want 2 go 2 dinner tonight?  
LadyRose: I’m supposed to hang out with Brienne and Sansa.  
URallAssholes: understood  
LadyRose: I’d love to have dinner with you instead though.  
URallAssholes: :) im more fun  
LadyRose: You are.  
URallAssholes: back at u  
LadyRose: Maybe I could come by your place after?  
URallAssholes: let me know when ur on ur way

\--

IKnowALittleSomething: so jaime, bro, gotta question  
Kingslayer: You’re up against Brienne this week. I am not giving you advice on your lineup.  
IKnowALittleSomething: heh, gonna beat her easy, something else  
Kingslayer: What?  
IKnowALittleSomething: u and brie, uh…  
Kingslayer: Yes, she is my girlfriend. Yes, I will kick your ass if you look at her the wrong way.  
IKnowALittleSomething: no dude, no, i was jus wonderin if u know, u used something  
Kingslayer: Used what?  
IKnowALittleSomething: 4 the sex  
Kingslayer: Are you worried I might get her pregnant?  
IKnowALittleSomething: NO, i mean, like ...pills or something  
Kingslayer: Pills?  
IKnowALittleSomething: u went all night  
IKnowALittleSomething: and all morning  
IKnowALittleSomething: did u use, like...get hard pills  
Kingslayer: Like for someone who can’t get it up?  
IKnowALittleSomething: uh yeah…  
Kingslayer: You think I can’t get it up for Brienne?  
IKnowALittleSomething: uh...no, i mean, u went all NIGHT  
Kingslayer: I do not need pills to get an erection for MY GIRLFRIEND.  
Kingslayer: I’d fuck her right this second if she were here. Hells, I’d go to her office and fuck her if she asked. Just thinking about it makes me hard.  
IKnowALittleSomething: fine, fine, jes asking  
Kingslayer: I’m going to fuck her at lunch.  
Kingslayer: Twice.

[IKnowALittleSomething has left the conversation.]  
[URallAssholes has joined the conversation.]

URallAssholes: dude, finally  
Kingslayer: I meant to say thanks.  
URallAssholes: 4 what?  
Kingslayer: Brienne, the Draft. You fixed it with her and do all the drafting every year.  
URallAssholes: uh ur welcome?  
Kingslayer: I mean, I would have gotten her anyway.  
URallAssholes: huh, u have no game  
Kingslayer: I don’t need game. It’s Brienne.  
URallAssholes: uh huh, so u makin me a nephew or a niece?  
Kingslayer: Don’t plan on it right now. I mean, some day. Of course. We'll get married first.  
URallAssholes: good. :) getting in the practic though?  
Kingslayer: Plenty of practice. Did I hear something about you and Marg?  
URallAssholes: mebbe...

\--

CommissionerByRight: I think we should send Catelyn a thank you card and flowers from the League.  
FingerfewerHand: That's a nice idea. She did a lovely job.  
CommissionerByRight: She did use those defective papertowels.  
FingerfewerHand: But she had proper napkins  
CommissionerByRight: Should I put it to a vote?  
FingerfewerHand: No one is going to object, Stannis. You're the commissioner. Consider it an executive decision.  
CommissionerByRight: Which flowers would be best?  
FingerfewerHand: Peach roses mean appreciation. Two dozen, two from each team.  
CommissionerByRight: Not twenty-two, one from each owner?  
FingerfewerHand: Florists prefer to send them in dozens or half dozens.  
CommissionerByRight: They do?  
FingerfewerHand: Trust me on this, Stannis.  
CommissionerByRight: I do.  


\--

YoungWolf: hey, j, quick question  
Kingslayer: I am not giving you Stark assholes lineup advice.  
YoungWolf: dude, my lineup is solid, pack all the way  
Kingslayer: Uh huh. I have you picked to lose.  
YoungWolf: fuck u  
Kingslayer: Back at you.  
YoungWolf: look, so u and brie  
Kingslayer: Stay the fuck away from my girlfriend, asshole.  
YoungWolf: im married!  
Kingslayer: I saw you hug her at the draft.  
YoungWolf: cause ive known her 4 like, a decade  
Kingslayer: Don’t touch her again.  
YoungWolf: uh not a prob, so u and brie...though...all night?  
Kingslayer: Yes?  
YoungWolf: did u, uh...use something?  
Kingslayer: Birth control or erectile dysfunction medication?  
YoungWolf: uh...pills  
Kingslayer: I do not require medication to get an erection.  
YoungWolf: but uh, i heard it was ALL night  
Kingslayer: Yes?  
YoungWolf: i mean, u jes…  
Kingslayer: Is there some weird Flaccid Cock of the North Disease?  
YoungWolf: no NO….I mean NO

[Kingslayer has invited FertileNonagenarian to the conversation.]  
[FertileNonaenarian has joined the conversation.]

Kingslayer: Walder, Robb wants to talk about Viagra.  
YoungWolf: do NOT  
FertileNonagenarian: whuts that?  
Kingslayer: The erectile dysfunction medication you take.  
FertileNonagenarian: my erctile fuktions just fine!

\--

KissedByFire: That good, eh?  
LadyRose: I was surprised too, but he makes up for what he lacks in height with other skills.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Is he...proportional?  
MrsYoungWolf: Yes, tell us. I’ve always wondered.  
LadyRose: He’s got the cock of a regular sized man. A large regular sized man.  
KissedByFire: NICE.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: A full on third leg?  
LadyRose: Very close. And because he’s shorter, he can do other things a little easier.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: So, short guys do work harder?  
LadyRose: Definitely.  
MrsYoungWolf: Brienne just logged in. Let’s get her.

[LadyRose has invited WarriorMaiden to the conversation.]  
[WarriorMaiden has joined the conversation.]

WarriorMaiden: Hey.  
KissedByFire: How big is his cock?  
LadyRose: How thick? How long?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Cut or uncut?  
MrsYoungWolf: Did Jaime really go all night?  
WarriorMaiden: …  
LadyRose: Tell us everything.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Which positions?  
KissedByFire: Did he go down?  
MrsYoungWolf: Did you?  
WarriorMaiden: MARGAERY HAD SEX WITH TYRION!  
KissedByFire: We know that. She gave us all the details.  
LadyRose: Maybe not all…  
MrsYoungWolf: Tell us about Jaime.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Is his recovery time really that short?  
WarriorMaiden: Oh gods.  
KissedByFire: You’ve been holding out on us Brienne. I’ve told you all about Jon’s tongue.  
MrsYoungWolf: I shared about Robb’s red pubic hair.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Pity date? You owe me details.  
LadyRose: I tell you everything, even about Theon’s cock.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: MY BROTHER.  
WarriorMaiden: I uh…  
KissedByFire: Let’s take it slow. Tell us about his cock.  
WarriorMaiden: I don’t know. It’s a penis?  
LadyRose: Why the question mark?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Is it somewhat like a cock?  
MrsYoungWolf: What color are his pubes?  
WarriorMaiden: It is definitely a penis. And they are ...dark blond.  
KissedByFire: Length, girth, foreskin?  
WarriorMaiden: I didn’t MEASURE.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: More than a mouthful?  
LadyRose: Aren’t most cocks more than a mouthful?  
KissedByFire: …  
MrsYoungWolf: Would you say it’s big or small?  
LadyRose: Did he fill you up?

[SharkReek has joined the conversation.]

SharkReek: Old McTitty had some boobs  
T-I-T-T-Y  
And on these boobs he had some nips  
T-I-T-T-Y  
With a nip nip here and a tit tit there  
Here a tit there a tit everywhere a tit tit  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Was it like throwing a hot dog down a hallway?  
SharkReek: y woud u throw a good hotdog?  
MrsYoungWolf: GET OUT THEON  
SharkReek: FUCK

[SharkReek has left the conversation.]

LadyRose: We are waiting, Brienne.  
WarriorMaiden: GODS.  
KissedByFire: How many shades of red do we think she is?  
WarriorMaiden: Shut up.  
WarriorMaiden: It’s...he’s...big, I guess?  
MrsYoungWolf: Did you need lube?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Or did he get you wet?  
LadyRose: He clearly did if they fucked all night.  
KissedByFire: Oh, they fucked all night. Knocking plaster off the walls.  
WarriorMaiden: I’m sorry we kept you up.  
MrsYoungWof: I wouldn’t be.

[Bronn4Sale has joined the conversation.]

IronIslandsBattleBabe: I need to get laid like that.  
Bronn4Sale: my place 2 night?  
MrsYoungWolf: You can go like Jaime?  
Bronn4Sale: whut?  
KissedByFire: Didn’t you hear? Jaime and Brienne were fucking all weekend long. Kept us all awake, broke furniture.  
Bronn4Sale: fuk  
WarriorMaiden: That reminds me, Bronn. We need to have a TALK. FOLLOW ME.

[WarriorMaiden has left the conversation.]

Bronn4Sale: fukin hells

[Bronn4Sale has left the conversation.]

LadyRose: You know she just left so she wouldn’t have to give us details.

\--

WarriorMaiden: So you BET on me?  
Bronn4Sale: ...yes?  
WarriorMaiden: I am going to pound you into the dirt.  
Bronn4Sale: all i did was try 2 make jaime think u wer fucking tyrion  
Bronn4Sale: and that u collect dik pics  
Bronn4Sale: and that ur a lesbian  
WarriorMaiden: I will crush you.  
Bronn4Sale: look, im glad ur fuckin him  
WarriorMaiden: What?  
Bronn4Sale: tired of goin out w him and chicks fallin all over him, ur helpin me out  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime and I are not together for you and Tyrion.  
Bronn4Sale: u engaged

[iluvgilly had joined the conversation.]

WarriorMaiden: No, Jaime and I are not engaged, we are not even close to anything like that. Don’t be ridiculous.  
Bronn4Sale: jes checkin  
iluvgilly: brie, don’t suppose you want 2 give lineup advice?  
WarriorMaiden: Sam, we are playing each other this week.  
iluvgilly: gess not

[iluvgilly has left the conversation.]

\--

iluvgilly: hey jaime  
Kingslayer: I do not use viagra.  
iluvgilly: uh...okay, i had a lineup quesiton  
Kingslayer: Do you think I’m going to help you beat my girlfriend?  
iluvgilly: ..guess not  
Kingslayer: Damn RIGHT. Wait, weren’t you the one being all protective of her yesterday?  
iluvgilly: thats life, not fantasy football  
Kingslayer: Good point.

\--

Kingslayer: When does she leave?  
WarriorMaiden: Sunday.  
Kingslayer: She’s been here for months.  
WarriorMaiden: It’s been less than 24 hours.  
Kingslayer: I miss you.  
WarriorMaiden: I saw you at lunch.  
Kingslayer: I know. We did dirty hot things at lunch. We’ll do them again tomorrow  
WarriorMaiden: I was there. You should work out or something tonight.  
Kingslayer: I don’t like working out without you. If we don’t run or work out, I might get fat and unhot.  
WarriorMaiden: You’re genetically incapable of being fat or unhot.  
Kingslayer: So you think I’m hot?  
WarriorMaiden: Are you going to make me say it?  
Kingslayer: Is it that hard?  
WarriorMaiden: …  
Kingslayer: ?  
WarriorMaiden: You know you’re hot.  
Kingslayer: Say it.  
WarriorMaiden: Fine. You’re hot.  
Kingslayer: And sexy.  
WarriorMaiden: And sexy.  
Kingslayer: And you want to have sex with me right now.  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime…


	3. Week One, Tuesday.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cybersex and Juvenile Bathroom Humor.

Kingslayer: I can't stop thinking about you.  
WarriorMaiden: Hey.  
Kingslayer: Come over tonight.  
WarriorMaiden: I have Sansa all week.  
Kingslayer: We’re having lunch together.  
WarriorMaiden: I have a meeting today...  
Kingslayer: Cancel it.  
WarriorMaiden: I’m not the boss. I have a real job.  
Kingslayer: Stop making fun of my job.  
WarriorMaiden: Start actually working.  
Kingslayer: I want you for lunch. And dinner. I missed you last night.  
WarriorMaiden: I can't leave Sansa...  
Kingslayer: What are you wearing?  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime. I am at work.  
Kingslayer: I'm hard just thinking about you.  
Kingslayer: The way you feel.  
Kingslayer: The way you taste.  
Kingslayer: Are you even wearing a bra?  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime...  
Kingslayer: Just tell me what you're wearing?  
WarriorMaiden: I'm wearing my usual, pants, shirt, jacket.

[SharkReek has joined the conversation.]

Kingslayer: You don't wear panties to work?  
SharkReek: Titty Titty Titty Titty Chameleon  
You make me shoot  
My big load  
Loving would be easy if your titties were like my dream  
Big, round and firm  
Big, round and firm  
Titty Titty Titty Titty Chameleon  
SharkReek: wut who doesnt wear panties  
Kingslayer: GO AWAY THEON YOU ANNOYING COCKSUCKER.  
SharkReek: dud, u think im gonna leve a convo bout panties?  
WarriorMaiden: Margaery and Ellaria were talking about thongs earlier.  
SharkReek: FUCKIN A

[SharkReek has left the conversation.]

Kingslayer: Do you have a thong? Do you wear them? Those blue short panties things were pretty hot. What other kinds of panties do you have?  
WarriorMaiden: No and no and I am not discussing this with you while I’m at work.  
Kingslayer: You could wear a skirt to work. No panties. I could be hidden under your desk, licking my way up your thighs right now.  
WarriorMaiden: I have a glass top desk.  
Kingslayer: So you could watch me?  
WarriorMaiden: So there is no "hiding."  
Kingslayer: That's so hot. Licking my way up your thighs, and you're not wearing panties, you getting all hot and wet for me. Run your fingers through my hair. You guide my mouth to where you want it. You want me, don't you? You want me to bury my tongue inside you again?  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime. Stop it.  
Kingslayer: That's not what you were saying in that hotel room. I'm pretty sure it was all "Jaime, please, more more, yes yes yes, gods yes, faster, just like that, Jaime Jaime."  
Kingslayer: I'm certain that's what you were saying, screaming in fact. I can verify it with the people in the room next to us if you want.  
Kingslayer: I could make you scream like that if I were under your desk right now. Imagine it. I am.  
WarriorMaiden: I am not going to cybersex you.  
Kingslayer: Phonesex? I want to hear you call out my name. I'm calling you right now.  
Kingslayer: Answer your phone.  
WarriorMaiden: I am not taking your call just so you can talk dirty to me.  
Kingslayer: I seem to remember you liking it when I talked dirty to you. When I whispered all those dirty filthy things in your ear and you dug your nails into my back and squeezed my cock like a vice grip.  
Kingslayer: I need to see you tonight. Or now. Now works.  
WarriorMaiden: I have a conference call.  
Kingslayer: When Tyrion and I have a conference call, that means we are sneaking off to have a beer.  
WarriorMaiden: I actually have work conference calls.  
Kingslayer: Remember how my cock felt inside you? When we fell off the bed? I have carpet burns on my back.  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime. I have to work. Don’t do this to me. I can’t even think.  
Kingslayer: I am going to do so many things to you later. So many hot dirty things.  
WarriorMaiden: I have to go for this call. I’ll see you at lunch.  
WarriorMaiden: System Message: WarriorMaiden is away from her desk.  
Kingslayer: DAMMIT. Lunch should start at 930.  
WarriorMaiden: System Message: WarriorMaiden is away from her desk.

\--

BeardedStag: What's wrong, baby?  
UKnowUWantMe: marg is bangin tyrion  
BeardedStag: And?  
UKnowUWantMe: 1. all that het sex  
UKnowUWantMe: 2. game night will be couples now  
BeardedStag: Is that so bad?  
UKnowUWantMe: HETS

[BeardedStag has invited LadyRose to the conversation.]  
[LadyRose has joined the conversation.]

BeardedStag: Want me to invite Stannis and Davos to game night?  
UKnowUWantMe: stavos? gods NO  
LadyRose: I’m with Loras. Can you imagine Stannis and Tyrion arguing over dangling participles and infinitives?  
BeardedStag: Like the holidays at Robert’s.  
UKnowUWantMe: i luv u ren, but never again, NEVER

\--

RedHeadedMother: Thanks so much for staying to help clean up after the weekend, Yarsha.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Not a problem, Cat. It was nice to catch up. Have you let Ned off the hook yet?  
RedHeadedMother: Well, I did have a surprise oral experience Sunday night.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Ned? Really?  
RedHeadedMother: He has to be coaxed along sometimes, but when he gets going...  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Nice.  
RedHeadedMother: It’s just tough with all the kids. We used to sit Robb and Jon in front of the TV to watch Sesame Street. We could get in at least a good 45 minutes then. Now we are lucky to get 15. Especially with Rickon. He's such a handful.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: So how did you bring about the surprise oral?  
RedHeadedMother: I sat on the table in the pantry and gave him the Look. So I suppose it wasn’t exactly a surprise.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: The Jaime/Brienne table?  
RedHeadedMother: I hadn’t noticed how private the pantry was before…  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Nice going!  
RedHeadedMother: Now if I can only get him to trim back the viburnum.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Is that a euphemism?  
RedHeadedMother: Unfortunately, no.

\--

UKnowUWantMe: hey j  
Kingslayer: I will not help you with your lineup.  
UKnowUWantMe: fuk that, we dont need u  
Kingslayer: Uh huh.  
UKnowUWantMe: i have a ? 4u  
Kingslayer: I do not use viagra or any other erection drugs. Brienne is just the hottest woman I have ever seen and sex with her is incredible.  
Kingslayer: She is incredible.  
UKnowUWantMe: UGH  
Kingslayer: Just thinking about Brienne gets me hard.  
UKnowUWantMe: NO NO NO NO HET SEX  
Kingslayer: Her legs are so long.  
UKnowUWantMe: barf gag puke  
Kingslayer: What the fuck do you want other than to insult my girlfriend, rumpranger?  
UKnowUWantMe: lemme cleanse my brain  
Kingslayer: Thinking of Stannis naked?  
UKnowUWantMe: u r such a dick  
Kingslayer: Stop thinking about my cock.  
UKnowUWantMe: wut conditioner do u use?  
Kingslayer: WTF?

\--

RedHeadedMother: I just dab a little powder underneath.  
WarriorMaiden: I don’t have the problem.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Like, baby powder?  
SexontheSand: I like a feminine powder. To keep my woman’s garden fresh.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Exactly. Just powder a bit under your boobs before you put your bra on and the boob sweat will be all gone.  
LadyRose: For some reason, I’m disturbed by this conversation.  
MrsYoungWolf: Me too.  
RedHeadedMother: One day your perky young breasts will start to sag, Margaery Tyrell.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: And wait until you have a child.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: I just have bigger boobs than the two of you combined.  
MrsYoungWolf: Don’t brag.  
WarriorMaiden: I have nothing to brag about.  
LadyRose: Doesn’t seem to bother Jaime.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Yes, Brienne. Why don’t you tell us all about Jaime?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Length? Girth?  
WarriorMaiden: I’m sure Cat isn’t interested.  
RedHeadMother: Yes I am.  
MrsYoungWolf: You are?  
RedHeadedMother: For all his faults, Jaime Lannister is a fine looking man.  
LadyRose: That he is. Those shoulders and abs.  
SexontheSand: He has large hands. Is the length of his cock from the base of his palm to the tip of middle finger?  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Is the head of his cock equal to the length of his nose?  
MrsYoungWolf: Is that really true?  
LadyRose: Brienne needs to tell us.  
WarriorMaiden: I have to work.

[WarriorMaiden has left the conversation.]

\--

SharkReek: pinch a loaf  
LegitimizeThisBitches: drop a deuce  
SharkReek: drop the kids off at the pool  
LegitimizeThisBitches: feed the toilet  
SharkReek: give back that corn  
PerfectPrincess: tht’s IT. boys are disgusting. im getting u the best dresses ever

[PerfectPrincess has left the discussion.]

SharkReek: now i really do need 2 shit  
LegitimizeThisBitches: not n a toilet near me

\--

LadyRose: So, now that it’s just us, details?  
WarriorMaiden: You give me details.  
LadyRose: I’m not the one got plowed into the ground by Jaime.  
WarriorMaiden: You’re the one who was singing show tunes because of Tyrion. Is it something serious?  
LadyRose: Well, I see what you mean about the Lannister skill set.  
WarriorMaiden: You blacked out?  
LadyRose: Not sure, there were stars and explosions.  
WarriorMaiden: Exactly!  
LadyRose: How is something like that genetic?  
WarriorMaiden: You could ask your grandmother?  
LadyRose; You know, I’d rather not know.

\--

FertileNonagenarian: mine are eggy  
SharkReek: worst ones r fruit fart  
LegitimizeThisBitches: something crawled up ur ass n died, REEK  
FertileNonagenarian: been outfarting u whippersnappers 4 decades, gimme some pinto beans and 10 minutes on sunday  
iluvgilly: please dont

\--

WarriorMaiden: You’re starting Moreno over Foster?  
Kingslayer: Moreno is going to have a big day. Trust me.  
WarriorMaiden: I think that’s the wrong move.  
Kingslayer: I’ll show you some right moves. I showed you some right moves earlier. At lunch. I could do that at lunch every day.  
WarriorMaiden: We are talking football.  
Kingslayer: We should cybersex instead.  
WarriorMaiden: I just saw you and now I am at work.  
Kingslayer: Close the door and come back to your computer.  
WarriorMaiden: I don’t think I can do this.  
Kingslayer: Come on. It’ll be fun.  
WarriorMaiden: Okay. I closed the blinds too. This isn’t going to work though.  
Kingslayer: What are you wearing?  
WarriorMaiden: You saw me at lunch. I haven’t changed. Navy suit, white shirt.  
Kingslayer: When you don’t wear a bra, I can see your perfect pink nipples through your shirt.  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime...  
Kingslayer: You should never wear a bra again. You’re sitting there in your white shirt and a thong.  
WarriorMaiden: I don’t have any thongs.  
Kingslayer: Just pretend. Let’s roll with it. You’re wearing a sexy blue thong and I take it off with my teeth.  
WarriorMaiden: But I still have my pants on.  
Kingslayer: We are pretending.  
WarriorMaiden: I thought when you cybersexxed, you were supposed to take your clothes off?  
Kingslayer: You are?  
WarriorMaiden: I don’t know. I’ve never done this before. Aren’t you?  
Kingslayer: I don’t know. I’ve never done this before either.  
WarriorMaiden: So…  
Kingslayer: We’ll come back to this. And go buy some thongs, wench.  
WarriorMaiden: Shut up, idiot.


	4. Week One, Wednesday.

WarriorMaiden: Do not laugh at me.  
LadyRose: Brienne, you know that never works.  
WarriorMaiden: Fine. I need your help.  
LadyRose: Of course you do.  
WarriorMaiden: Try to be nice about it?  
LadyRose: What is it? Jaime’s cock too big? Too small?  
WarriorMaiden: NO. I mean. I’m not discussing that with you.  
LadyRose: Spoilsport. If he’s anything like Tyrion, you’re probably having trouble sitting.  
WarriorMaiden: …  
LadyRose: Nice. So what is it?  
WarriorMaiden: Cybersex?  
LadyRose: Brienne, I mean, it could be fun, but I didn’t think you wanted to explore.  
LadyRose: You do have those incredible legs though.  
WarriorMaiden: What? NO.  
WarriorMaiden: I don’t know how to do it.  
WarriorMaiden: Cybersex.  
WarriorMaiden: With Jaime.  
LadyRose: Okay. Hold on.  
LadyRose: HHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHhshahahhahahahahahhahahahahaaa  
WarriorMaiden: I’m SERIOUS.  
LadyRose: Why don’t you just have sex? I mean. You had sex all over. You broke furniture having sex. You woke up a city having sex.  
LadyRose: Tell me about Jaime’s penis?  
WarriorMaiden: NO.  
WarriorMaiden: Sansa is staying with me…  
LadyRose: Oh.  
WarriorMaiden: So, how do you..?  
LadyRose: Go ask Ren or Loras. They do it all the time.  
WarriorMaiden: Seriously?  
LadyRose: Like all day long.  
WarriorMaiden: I did not need to know that.

\--

Kingslayer: So…  
URallAssholes: whut?  
Kingslayer: Brienne and I…  
URallAssholes: did u do something stupid?  
Kingslayer: No. Why would you say that?  
URallAssholes: raising my eyebrow  
Kingslayer: Whatever. So we are having a problem.  
URallAssholes: uh?  
Kingslayer: A sex problem.  
URallAssholes: dear gods i do not want to know  
Kingslayer: Look. Aren’t we supposed discuss this like men? Brothers?  
URallAssholes: 7fukinhells, fine  
Kingslayer: How do you cybersex?  
URallAssholes: whut?  
Kingslayer: Brienne and I are arguing about it.  
URallAssholes: of course u are  
Kingslayer: So…  
URallAssholes: no  
Kingslayer: Come on.  
URallAssholes: go ask oberyn  
Kingslayer: DICK.

\--

WarriorMaiden: So, Loras, can I ask you a question in confidence?  
UKnowUWantMe: probs not  
WarriorMaiden: Come on.  
UKnowUWantMe: fine, u bring snacks n wine 2 game night  
WarriorMaiden: Okay.  
UKnowUWantMe: good wine  
WarriorMaiden: Fine. But only if you help me.  
UKnowUWantMe: u need me 2 set ur lineup?  
WarriorMaiden: NO. Aren’t you picked to lose this week??  
UKnowUWantMe: shut up  
WarriorMaiden: … Marg said you and Ren cybersex.  
UKnowUWantMe: no, u can not have a cyber 3some w us  
WarriorMaiden: What? NO.  
UKnowUWantMe: phew, hets  
WarriorMaiden: I just want to know how you do it?  
UKnowUWantMe: whut?  
WarriorMaiden: Do you just pretend?  
UKnowUWantMe: pretend what?  
WarriorMaiden: That you’re doing things? Or do you actually do them?  
UKnowUWantMe: whut?  
WarriorMaiden: Oh gods. Do you take your pants off or not?  
UKnowUWantMe: i just take my cock out, dim the lights, little music, som lotion  
WarriorMaiden: Okay...that's more than I wanted to know.  
UKnowUWantMe: so...u showering at jaime’s now?  
WarrIorMaiden: I'm not spending any time at Jaime's. Sansa is staying with me.  
UKnowUWantMe: fuk

\--

Kingslayer: Yo, sleazebag, I have a question.  
SexViper: Ah, Jaime, find you can no longer satisfy the goddess Brienne and you have come to me for help?  
Kingslayer: I satisfy her just fucking fine.  
SexViper: But you still need my help?  
Kingslayer: Not really. Forget it.

\--

LadyRose: Topic of the day ladies.  
LadyRose: When you cybersex, do you actually masturbate or not?  
SexontheSand: Oberyn and I rarely do that. We prefer actual sex.  
RedHeadedMother: Well. I’m a little surprised to be asked. But to be frank, when Ned travels, we wait until the kids are in bed, then we just have phone sex.  
MrsYoungWolf: …  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Fuck. Walder tried to cyber me after our date.  
KissedByFire: Little Walder?  
SexontheSand: Big Walder?  
RedHeadedMother: Red Walder?  
LadyRose: Black Walder?  
MrsYoungWolf: Hodor?  
WarriorMaiden: Regular Walder. It was as a favor to me.  
KissedByFire: Wait, Hodor’s name is Walder?  
MrsYoungWolf: Now who knows nothing?  
LadyRose: Yarsha dating Old Walder? Thought you had better taste.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: I do have better taste. Usually. I did it to help Brienne win a bet during the Draft.  
RedHeadedMother: You took one for the team, as Ned is always saying?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Gods NO. It was just dinner. He fell asleep during dessert.  
LadyRose: Back on topic. Cybersex. Do you type things and fake it, or do you actually play?  
KissedByFire: Pretend but I don’t tell Jon.  
MrsYoungWolf: I’m with Ygritte.  
KissedByFire: I’ll go flick it in the bathroom later.

[SharkReek has joined the conversation.]

SharkReek: Oh titties, you’re so fine you blow my mind  
Hey titties, hey hey hey titties.  
Oh titties, you’re so fine you blow my mind  
Hey titties, hey hey hey titties.  
LadyRose: So, either we don’t do it at all or we fake it and masturbate later?  
SharkReek: u faked it when we fucked?  
WarriorMaiden: Go away, Theon.  
RedHeadedMother: Theon Randolph Greyjoy, what do you think you are doing?  
SharkReek: uh…  
RedHeadedMother: You leave this chat room right now, young man.  
SharkReek: yes m’am

[SharkReek has left the conversation.]

WarriorMaiden: I want you around all the time, Cat.  
RedHeadedMother: It's a skill.

\--

SharkReek: dude, how can u tell if a chick is faking it  
YoungWolf: jeyne never needs 2 fake it  
IKnowALittleSomething: im good, ygs never fakes it  
LegitimizeThisBitches: dont care if they do or not  
TheLastDragon: exactly  
URallAssholes: why r u stressed about it?  
SharkReek: marg n brie were talking bout it  
Kingslayer: Brienne?  
YoungWolf: heh

[Kingslayer has left the conversation.]

\--

Kingslayer: So...is there something we should be discussing?  
WarriorMaiden: Is there?  
Kingslayer: Isn’t there something you want to tell me?  
WarriorMaiden: I don’t know?  
Kingslayer: Come on, Brienne. You have to tell me these things.  
WarriorMaiden: What things?  
Kingslayer: What you were discussing with Marg earlier.  
WarriorMaiden: You know about that then?  
Kingslayer: I DO.  
WarriorMaiden: So,I guess different people just do things differently. There’s no set way. I was wrong.  
Kingslayer: Of course you were wrong.  
WarriorMaiden: You don’t have to act like that. You didn’t know either.  
Kingslayer: I would to know! I can tell! And you weren’t.  
WarriorMaiden: I wasn’t what? Wait, what?  
Kingslayer: You weren’t faking it, Brienne. I could tell. I could feel it.  
WarriorMaiden: What?  
Kingslayer: Why were you talking about faking it with Margaery? Don’t you like what we do? Do you want me to do something different?  
WarriorMaiden: I was talking to Margaery about cybersex, not about faking it!  
Kingslayer: What?  
WarriorMaiden: Well, it was kind of about faking it.  
Kingslayer: Explain yourself, wench.  
WarriorMaiden: Don’t get bossy.  
Kingslayer: Don’t keep secrets.  
WarriorMaiden: I’m not.  
Kingslayer: Then tell me.  
WarriorMaiden: Margaery was just asking some of the women if they fake it when they cybersex.  
Kingslayer: Do YOU?  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime, we’ve never actually cybersexxed.  
Kingslayer: And you never have with anyone else ever and you never will with anyone else ever?  
WarriorMaiden: I really don’t think cybersex is something I’d like.  
Kingslayer: You WILL cybersex me. wench and you will like it. NO faking.  
WarriorMaiden: Does it really matter?  
Kingslayer: YES.

\--

URallAssholes: so brie and jaime r trying 2 cyber sex  
LadyRose: And failing, apparently.  
URallAssholes: how can u fail at it?  
LadyRose: Hmmm...want to try?  
URallAssholes: 2 fail?  
LadyRose: Or succeed? 

\--

KissedByFire: So, when you guys do it, do you actually get naked?  
CommissionerByRight: Are you asking about actual intercourse?  
KissedByFire: No. When you cybersex.  
CommissionerByRight: Who told you we cybersex?  
KissedByFire: Come on, we all know you cyber.  
CommissionerByRight: Speaking only hypothetically, if Davos and I were to engage in such activities, it would occur while he is home and while I am at work. As such, I would assume he would wear very little.  
CommissionerByRight: As for myself, I am blessed with external genitalia and do not require actual clothing removal for such things.  
CommissionerByRight: If I were to do them, and I am not saying I have.  
KissedByFire: Ah, Stannis, you and Davos are the cutest.  
CommissionerByRight: Although ‘cute’ is a callow term, I will allow that Davos has a certain youthful charm.

\--

Kingslayer: I show up at your office wearing nothing but a trench coat.  
WarriorMaiden: No socks or shoes? Wouldn’t someone notice?  
Kingslayer: Just imagine it.  
WarriorMaiden: Okay. You show up at my office wearing nothing but a trench coat and no one notices your bare feet and legs.  
Kingslayer: I shut the door and you stand up and walk to me.  
WarriorMaiden: Did you lock it and shut the blinds?  
Kingslayer: Yes. You step into my arms and kiss me, loosening the belt of my coat.  
WarriorMaiden: Okay. Are you cold? Because usually you’re so warm. But if you’re only wearing a coat, you might catch a chill.  
Kingslayer: I’m warm because I’m all hot for you.  
WarriorMaiden: Are we still kissing?  
Kingslayer: I’m kissing that spot on your neck that you like and you’re touching the spot on my hip.  
WarriorMaiden: In circles?  
Kingslayer: Yes.  
WarriorMaiden: Okay.  
Kingslayer: You like that?  
WarriorMaiden: Yes.  
Kingslayer: Good.  
Kingslayer: Now I reach between us and unbutton and unzip your pants and slip my hand inside your panties.  
WarriorMaiden: Okay.  
Kingslayer: How does that feel?  
WarriorMaiden: I like it when you do that.  
Kingslayer: Take your pants off.  
WarriorMaiden: What? NO.  
Kingslayer: I know you like that thing and it would be too difficult to do with your pants on. So take them off for me.  
Kingslayer: Let them slip off your hips and take all day to slide down your legs finally pooling at your feet so you can step out of them, naked.  
WarriorMaiden: I am not taking my pants off at the office.  
Kingslayer: Come on. The door is closed and locked. The blinds are drawn. No one will see you.  
WarriorMaiden: I can’t.  
Kingslayer: I want to think about you sitting at your desk, naked.  
WarriorMaiden: No. No no no. I mean, what if the fire alarm goes off? Are you sitting at your desk naked?  
Kingslayer: …

\--

BAMFLannister: Why is your brother’s door locked?  
URallAssholes: I. AM. NOT. HIS. KEEPER.  
BAMFLannister: HRMPH.


	5. Week One, Thursday.  Packers at Seahawks.

Kingslayer: We are watching the Packer game tonight?  
WarriorMaiden: Yes, at a sports bar.  
Kingslayer: We could watch it at my place?  
WarriorMaiden: I have Sansa.  
Kingslayer: Isn’t she gone yet? When do Ned and Cat get here?  
WarriorMaiden: They are getting in late Saturday night/Sunday morning and checking into a hotel.  
Kingslayer: So you’ll come over then?  
WarriorMaiden: Sansa will stay the whole night with me and then we are meeting Ned and Cat for brunch before the games.  
Kingslayer: Brienne. I miss you.  
WarriorMaiden: We talk every day.  
Kingslayer: You won’t cyber sex me.  
WarriorMaiden: I’ve tried! I see you every day at lunch.  
Kingslayer: Can you go to lunch now?  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime, it’s 830am.  
Kingslayer: I want you.  
WarriorMaiden: If I work, I might be able get get out at 1130.  
Kingslayer: Good. Want to do that thing again?  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime, me getting out at 1130 depends on me working. You can’t distract me.  
Kingslayer: So you find that thing distracting?  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime…  
Kingslayer: Fine, I’ll log off for a while so I’m not tempted. And you are so tempting, wench.  
Kingslayer: If you want me though, send me a dirty text. Send me one anyway.  
WarriorMaiden: GO.  
Kingslayer: We’ll be coming later.  
WarriorMaiden: JAIME.  
Kingslayer: Fine.

[Kingslayer has logged out of chat.]

\--

FlayMaster: What?  
FertileNonagenarian: r prunes cheaper thn metamucil  
FertileNonagenarian: ?  
FlayMaster: With the quantity of metamucil Walda says you consume, yes.  
FertileNonagenarian: why is Walda talking about my metamucil  
FlayMaster: She discusses many things. I am forced to listen.  
FertileNonagenarian: tell her 2 stop callng about desert 4 u  
FlayMaster: She’s not trying to get me on vacation again, is she? Tell me it’s not Dorne? Or Essos. Good gods.  
FertileNonagenarian: why r u goin 2 dorne?  
FlayMaster: I am not going to Dorne  
FertileNonagenarian: u just said u were  
FlayMaster: No, you said something about the desert and my wife.  
FertileNonagenarian: not sand. pudding.  
FlayMaster: pudding?  
FertileNonagenarian: prune pudding or prune cobbler. She asked  
FlayMaster: …  
FertileNonagenarian: which one u wld like more  
FlayMaster: What did you say?  
FertileNonagenarian: cobbler  
FlayMaster: My thanks  
FertileNonagenarian: take Walda on vacation 2 dorne. She calls 2 much  
FlayMaster: No. You should talk to your daughter.  
FertileNonagenarian: so you don’t have 2?  
FlayMaster: Perhaps.  
FertileNonagenarian: No refunds. Ur stuck with her.  
FlayMaster: Fine. She does make a nice cobbler.

[FertileNonagenarian invited PinkISPretty to join the conversation.]  
[PinkISPretty has joined the conversation.]

PinkISPretty: my boys!  
FertileNonagenarian: Im ur father not a boy stop talkin abt my bowels  
FlayMaster: Also not a boy.  
PinkISPretty: shush. No more bowels  
FlayMaster: Are you making cobbler?  
PinkISPretty: might be  
FlayMaster: Good.  
FertileNonagenarian: send sum  
FertileNonagenarian: for bowels  
FlayMaster: It’s my cobbler. And the sum is that prunes are cheaper than Metamucil.  
PinkISPretty: that’s a difference  
FertileNonagenarian: whut?  
Flaymaster: Go bake, Little Wife.  
PinkISPretty: ok

[PinkISPretty has left the conversation.]

FertileNonagenarian: daughters r a plague  
Flaymaster: Try leeching to relieve the tension.

\--

MrsYoungWolf: So Robb and I are going to try to have a baby.  
LadyRose: Congratulations, Jeyne.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Uhm. Good luck.  
WarriorMaiden: That’s a big step. I wish you the best.  
MrsYoungWolf: We aren’t telling Ned and Cat yet.  
LadyRose: Okay. We’ll keep it quiet.  
MrsYoungWolf: I’ve been figuring out when I’m ovulating. I use the Take Charge of Your Fertility website.  
SexontheSand: If you’d like, Oberyn can talk to Robb about some things, timing, proper underwear.  
MrsYoungWolf: We aren’t to that stage yet, Ell, but I’ll let you know. We are just trying to time it to when I’m most fertile.  
WarriorMaiden: How do you tell?  
MrsYoungWolf: Well, I just take my temperature and some other stuff. Then when I’m ready, I just let Robb know.  
LadyRose: And he comes running?  
MrsYoungWolf: Actually, that’s the problem. He finds it annoying to have sex on demand.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: What? He doesn’t like keeping to a schedule? Or he doesn’t like putting out when you want it?  
MrsYoungWolf: He says it’s not sexy enough. Ovulation is a bonerkiller.  
WarriorMaiden: I can understand that I guess.  
LadyRose: What do you say?  
LadyRose: Oh baby I’m ovulating, bang me now.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: I’m fertile. Fuck me.  
SexontheSand: My cervix is soft and retracted. Stick your manhood inside me.  
MrsYoungWolf: I’m trying to be better than that.  
WarriorMaiden: How about...

[Kingslayer has joined the conversation.]

WarriorMaiden: We need to have sex. Get here right now.  
Kingslayer: On my way.

[Kingslayer has signed out of chat.]

MrsYoungWolf: …  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: …  
SexontheSand: Nice.  
LadyRose: Bwhhahahaha. 

[WarriorMaiden has signed out of chat.]

\--

URallAssholes: y did my bro run out of here like the fire alarm went off?  
LadyRose: Brienne accidentally asked him to come over and have sex.  
URallAssholes: how do u do that accidentally?  
LadyRose: Do you really want to discuss Jeyne’s softening cervix?  
URallAssholes: im going w no  
LadyRose: Smart move.  
URallAssholes: coming out tonight 2 watch the game?  
LadyRose: Sansa is coming as well.  
URallAssholes: she buy dresses 4 the guys?  
LadyRose: She has excellent taste.  
URallAssholes: speaking of taste, my place after?  
LadyRose: Mine is closer.  
URallAssholes: ill follow u home

\--

KissedByFire: So how do you know when is a good time to knock boots? You just do it all the time?  
MrsYoungWolf: Gods, no. I have to take my temperature, and I have to examine my mucus.  
KissedByFire: WTF?  
MrsYoungWolf: My cervical mucus. I have to look at its consistency. If it’s thin then i’m not ovulating.  
KissedByFire: Can’t you get Robb to look at it for you?  
MrsYoungWolf: NO! How embarrassing.

[SharkReek has joined the conversation.]

MrsYoungWolf: And if my mucus creamy it means I might be ready.  
SharkReek: what the shit???  
KissedByFire: I thought I was hardcore.  
MrsYoungWolf: And if it’s like egg whites then I definitely am ovulating and it’s time to have sex!

[iluvgilly has joined the conversation.]

SharkReek: i’m never going to be able to look at eggs again  
iluvgilly: i make a good omelette! gilly likes it, she said  
SharkReek: SHUT UP.  
iluvgilly: what? didn’t someone mention eggs? you have to whip the whites separately  
KissedByFire: That’s hilarious.  
MrsYoungWolf: All they ever think about is sex and food.  
KissedByFire: How is that different from me?  
MrsYoungWolf: Good question.

\--

BAMFLannister: Where is your brother?  
URallAssholes: again, not his keeper  
BAMFLannister: …  
URallAssholes: probs w his gf  
BAMFLannister: The season begins tonight. He cannot be distracted from setting his lineup.  
URallAssholes: i cna set if he forgets, we dont have ne1 playing 2night anyway  
BAMFLannister: You must tell me everything about this woman.  
URallAssholes: olenna knows her btter  
BAMFLannister: Olenna has been reticent in providing details.  
URallAssholes: u r so whipped  
BAMFLannister: I beg your pardon? Olenna and I no longer engage in spanking games.  
URallAssholes: MY EYES MY EYES

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did not write parts of this Chapter. You can thank [QuizzicalQuinnia](http://archiveofourown.org/users/QuizzicalQuinnia/pseuds/QuizzicalQuinnia) for the Metamucil and [Vana](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Vana/pseuds/Vana/works) for the cervical mucus.
> 
> I LOVE YOU BOTH and would hump you if you let me.


	6. Week One, Friday.

RedHeadedMother: So how is it going?  
PerfectPrincess: brie and jaime r definitely a couple  
RedHeadedMother: Is he distracted from football?  
PerfectPrincess: dunno, at dinner last night w marg and tyrion, brie and jaime got in a big fight about some player having capes on hsi socks  
RedHeadedMother: What?  
PerfectPrincess: some1 they call RG3 wears socks with capes on them...here   
RedHeadedMother: That sounds remarkably stupid.  
PerfectPrincess: http://mit.zenfs.com/214/2011/12/RG3_socks.jpg  
RedHeadedMother: Those are ridiculous. Do NOT show your brothers.  
PerfectPrincess: i think it’s cute, i was on jaime’s side  
RedHeadedMother: You sided with Jaime?  
PerfectPrincess: he didn’t notice, he called me miniCat and offered me 10 bucks 2 shut up  
RedHeadedMother: Does he realize you’re taller than I am?  
PerfectPrincess: he just stares at brienne  
RedHeadedMother: Well, that’s something.

\--

iluvgilly: i agree w yarsha, he was a stalker  
SharkReek: he was persistent  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: The way he wouldn’t take no for an answer, followed her around.  
IKnowALittleSomething: dont gurls like that?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: She has made it completely clear she is uninterested and he still follows her. And the way he gets all handsy. Total stalker.  
SharkReek: but i like pepe lepew  
IKnowALittleSomething: bugs when he dresses as a girl is kinda hot  
iluvgilly: …

\--

WarriorMaiden: No thanks, Sansa.  
PerfectPrincess: but brie u would look amzing n one of these dresses  
WarriorMaiden: Dresses really aren't my thing.

[Kingslayer has joined the conversation.]

PerfectPrincess: u have great legs tho  
Kingslayer: What?  
WarriorMaiden: Dresses make me uncomfortable.  
PerfectPrincess: k, im getting heels 4 theon and boots for jon  
Kingslayer: Whatever you're buying for Reekers should be pink.  
PerfectPrincess: hot pink ankle strap heels w maribou pom poms on them?  
WarriorMaiden: That sounds hideous.  
PerfectPrincess: u could pull them off  
Kingslayer: You could.  
WarriorMaiden: Shut up.  
PerfectPrincess: want 2 meet 4 lunch  
Kingslayer: She has plans.  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime...  
Kingslayer: Important irrevocable plans.

\--

BAMFLannister: I do not have a "crush" on her.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: You have had a crush on her since the original series.  
BAMFLannister: She is simply a wonderful actress, though remarkably underrated.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: You have a thing for her legs.  
BAMFLannister: All I said was she should have been paid more for the use of her legs in movie posters for The Graduate.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: And you're watching the new series.  
BAMFLannister: It's interesting television.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: You hate television.  
BAMFLannister: I admired the character of JR Ewing.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: You have the hots for Linda Gray.  
BAMFLannister: While I admit that she has aged wonderfully, I do not have the "hots" for her.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: She still has great legs.  
BAMFLannister: They are not better than yours.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: I did have great legs.  
BAMFLannister: You still do, my dear.

\--

WardenWolf: Hotel sex tomorrow?  
RedHeadedMother: I don’t know Ned, we’ll be getting in awfully late.  
WardenWolf: Cat, come on...it’s hotel sex.  
RedHeadedMother: A hotel? Like what you turned our home into for the draft?  
WardenWolf: I swear, never again. I promise.  
RedHeadedMother: And?  
WardenWolf: We can do that thing we did in the pantry.  
RedHeadedMother: Good. Maybe I can do a little something while you’re driving.  
WardenWolf: Why don’t you describe it for me in detail?  
RedHeadedMother: Ned Stark, are you asking me to cybersex?  
WardenWolf: Yes?  
RedHeadedMother: Well, okay then.

\--

Kingslayer: She can’t leave soon enough.  
WarriorMaiden: Two more days.  
Kingslayer: I mean, these have been the most satisfying lunches of my life.  
WarriorMaiden: We can’t keep doing this.  
Kingslayer: What?  
WarriorMaiden: I have lunch meetings next week.  
Kingslayer: But...I’ll see you in the evenings, right?  
WarriorMaiden: Sure, I mean, if you want?  
Kingslayer: Why wouldn’t I want?  
WarriorMaiden: I mean, I’m a getting a little...sore.  
Kingslayer: !  
WarriorMaiden: Stop grinning.  
Kingslayer: Who said I’m grinning?  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime…  
Kingslayer: Okay, I’m grinning.  
WarriorMaiden: I won’t be able to see you at all tomorrow.  
Kingslayer: WHAT? I thought were were having game night? And then after, I was going to make Ren and Loras keep Sansa?  
WarriorMaiden: No game night this week.  
Kingslayer: Dammit.  
WarriorMaiden: Sunday though?  
Kingslayer: And she leaves then?  
WarriorMaiden: They will head back sometime during the second game.  
Kingslayer: We could watch the games at my place?  
WarriorMaiden: Then we would miss seeing Jon, Theon, Robb, Ramsay and Oberyn in dresses.  
Kingslayer: You could wear a dress too?  
WarriorMaiden: Not going to happen.  
Kingslayer: Imagine it. We’re in a booth, cuddling, I run my hand up your leg and pull up your dress to realize you aren’t wearing any panties.  
WarriorMaiden: You know this cybersex doesn’t work?  
Kingslayer: We just need to practice.  
WarriorMaiden: *rolls eyes*


	7. Week One, Sunday, During the Football Games

Kingslayer: Let’s get a booth so we can make out.  
WarriorMaiden: We are not making out in a public place with all of our friends here!  
Kingslayer: Lions don’t concern themselves with the opinions of sheep.  
WarriorMaiden: Well, I need the Lions to beat the Giants this week.  
Kingslayer: My fingers, sliding up your thigh.  
WarriorMaiden: Stop it!  
Kingslayer: Imagine it.  
WarriorMaiden: Not now!  
Kingslayer: Later?  
WarriorMaiden: Yes.  
Kingslayer: Promise?  
WarriorMaiden: Yes.  
Kingslayer: Good. Now I’ll go get you some nachos, wings and a beer.  
WarriorMaiden: I can buy my own.  
Kingslayer: Whatever.  
WarriorMaiden: Let me get some cash.  
Kingslayer: If you try to give me money, I’m going to announce that it’s for sexual services rendered.  
WarriorMaiden: You would not!  
Kingslayer: Brienne...really?  
WarriorMaiden: Fine, you can buy, this time.

\--

CommissionerByRight: You were right, Davos. Vereen was a good start this week.  
FingerfewerHand: Sometimes you have to trust me.  
CommissionerByRight: I do trust you, Davos. Now, will you tell me why Robb, Theon, Jon, Oberyn and Ramsay are all wearing dresses?  
FingerfewerHand: Honestly, darling, I’m afraid to ask.

\--

Needler: But the Pack…  
WarriorMaiden: I know, Arya, but sometimes your team just loses.  
Needler: i dont want them 2 lose!  
WarriorMaiden: Nobody wins all the time.  
Needler: i want 2 kick aaron rodgers  
WarriorMaiden: That wouldn’t help. How was the rowing meet?  
Needler: gendry won. he alwys wins.  
WarriorMaiden: Well, that’s a good thing?  
Needler: i like ur bf  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime?  
Needler: yah, he curses a lot though, he handed me his coat again, but he gave me 20 bucks this time! and patted my head  
WarriorMaiden: I’m pretty sure that was a joke and I will tell him to stop cursing.  
Needler: nah, i like mom glaring @ him, makes him cooler

\--

WardenWolf: Cat, what do you want me to do?  
RedHeadedMother: Jon and Robb are wearing dresses, Jaime says the F word in front of our daughters, you have either sloshed beer on your pants or dribbled pee, Arya is wearing Jaime Lannister’s jacket. JAIME LANNISTER.  
WardenWolf: Cat, you could go shopping?  
RedHeadedMother: Petyr invited me out for lunch.  
WardenWolf: Great Cat, great, want to take Sansa?  
RedHeadedMother: Yes, well, I’d like to get her away from Oberyn. She's been putting eyeshadow on him for far too long.  
WardenWolf: he seems to like wearing makeup too much  
RedHeadedMother: I’m taking the credit cards too.  
WardenWolf: fine fine, love you, was tht Leveon Bell who scored?  
RedHeadedMother: HRMPH.

[RedHeadedMother has logged out of chat.]

\--

SharkKing: fuc! did u see the lineup?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: It’s not that bad. I mean, Roethlisberger isn’t doing badly. It could be worse, Walder’s QB has three turnovers and it’s not even half time yet.  
SharkKing: y is ur brother wearing a dress?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: He’s exploring?

\--

SharkReek: these hose keep rollin down my ass  
LegitimizeThisBitches: im wearing thigh highs  
SharkReek: im jealous

\--

YoungWolf: i feel like an idiot  
IKnowALittleSomething: at leasst oberyn isnt blowin kisses at u  
YoungWolf: hes doin it 2 u?  
IKnowALittleSomething: since we got here dude  
YoungWolf: am i not hot enough? should i show some knee?  
IKnowALittleSomething: my dress keeps riding up, peeps r looking at my thighs  
YoungWolf: mayeb i should sho wthigh

\--

Kingslayer: Bathroom stall, half time?  
WarriorMaiden: For what?  
Kingslayer: Brienne?  
WarriorMaiden: NO, I mean. NO. It’s a public bathroom. Arya could walk in.  
Kingslayer: Men’s room?  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime. NO.  
Kingslayer: Brienne, I’ve barely seen you all week.  
WarriorMaiden: We saw each other every single day at lunch.  
Kingslayer: For an hour! Five hours in a week? Come ON.  
WarriorMaiden: We had dinner with Sansa, Marg and Tyrion.  
Kingslayer: I am getting us matching socks.  
WarriorMaiden: NO.  
Kingslayer: It's not just been you and me. I miss you.  
WarriorMaiden: I’ve missed you too.  
Kingslayer: I can see you blushing.  
Kingslayer: My cock misses you.  
WarriorMaiden: Shut up.  
Kingslayer: We should have gotten a booth. We could cuddle.  
WarriorMaiden: I need to pay attention to my team.  
Kingslayer: We are kicking ass. Up by like 50 points.  
WarriorMaiden: I’m losing to Jon and Sam right now.  
Kingslayer: It’s first game of the season. You’ll be fine.  
WarriorMaiden: I have six players in the second games.  
Kingslayer: So….  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime…  
Kingslayer: I’ll do that thing?  
WarriorMaiden: What thing?  
Kingslayer: Look over at my hand.  
WarriorMaiden: STOP THAT.  
Kingslayer: That’s not what you say when I do that. You say other things. In my ear. And make that sexy noise I like.  
WarriorMaiden: We can’t.  
Kingslayer: We can.  
WarriorMaiden: People will know.  
Kingslayer: DO. NOT. CARE.  
WarriorMaiden: Catelyn and Sansa did leave.  
Kingslayer: I will throw you up on this table right now.  
WarriorMaiden: Stop it.  
Kingslayer: It’s sturdy enough.  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime...stop biting your lip. FINE. Find something to distract Arya.  
Kingslayer: Yes. See you there in 10 minutes.

\--

Kingslayer: Starkid, you like the jukebox?  
Needler: no, duh  
Kingslayer: I’ll give you a roll of quarters to go play video games.  
Needler: im talking 2 brienne  
Kingslayer: Maybe I want to talk to Brienne and you’re stopping me.  
Needler: is that a hint that u want 2 be alone w ur gf?  
Kingslayer: YES  
Needler: u will owe me again  
Kingslayer: Go talk to Theon about his pantyhose. I’ll give you 10 bucks.  
Needler: make it 20?  
Kingslayer: Little extortionist.  
Needler: not sur what that means, but thank u?

\--

FertileNonagenarian: i have 2 pee  
iluvgilly: im sur it wont b long, walder  
FertileNonagenarian: y is the bathroom out of service? i have 2 PEE  
iluvgilly: just wait walder  
FertileNonagenarian: im goin in the ladies  
iluvgilly: see there’s jaime, he’s done  
FertileNonagenarian: i fergot my depends  
iluvgilly: oh gods

\--

YoungWolf: do i look hot in this dress?  
FlayMaster: What?  
YoungWolf: am i hotter than jon?  
FlayMaster: I hate you and will slit your throat if you ask me something like that again.  
YoungWolf: chill dude  
FlayMaster: My son is wearing a dress as well. This is the worst week 1 ever.  
YoungWolf: ur probs gonna beat theon?  
FlayMaster: We’d better.  
YoungWolf: so, am i at least hotter than ramsay?

\--

FertileNonagenarian: ur kicker got 17 pts  
WarriorMaiden: Yours got 13.  
FertileNonagenarian: wanna trade?  
WarriorMaiden: Sure. If you’d like.  
FertileNonagenarian: were u in the mens room w jaime?  
WarriorMaiden: You can have both of my kickers.

\--

CommissionerByRight: Everything seems calm.  
FingerfewerHand: Robb asked me if I thought he was hotter than Jon.  
CommissionerByRight: He asked me as well.  
FingerfewerHand: Do you think he’s…  
CommissionerByRight: I’d rather not consider it.  
FingerfewerHand: His beard is scruffy.  
CommissionerByRight: He’s poorly groomed.  
FingerfewerHand: So is Jon.  
CommissionerByRight: Neither of them compare to you.

\--

UKnowUWantMe: they cannot fuck n r bathroom  
BeardedStag: I’m sure they won’t.  
UKnowUWantMe: we should ahve game night @ jaimes  
BeardedStag: Want me to suggest it?  
UKnowUWantMe: then we can check out his bathroom…  
BeardedStag: For the conditioner?  
UKnowUWantMe: and more?

\--

URallAssholes: yo, tall chick  
WarriorMaiden: Hey Tyrion.  
URallAssholes: the stavos team is tearing it UP  
WarriorMaiden: I know, it’s going to be close for you this week.  
URallAssholes: ur doing well  
WarriorMaiden: Peyton is really pulling me out of a hole.  
URallAssholes: so, how was the bathroom stall?  
WarriorMaiden: SHUT UP  
URallAssholes: r u using protection? i do not want my nephew/niece conceived that close 2 a toilet  
WarriorMaiden: SHUT UP SHUT UP  
URallAssholes: jes sayin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love you ALL.
> 
> This installment has turned into a monster. We still have two more weeks to get through.


	8. Week One, Wrap Up.

Team Stannis/Davos ended the week at number 1, outscoring Hear Me Kick Ass. Although if matched with any other team in the League, Hear Me Kick Ass would have won, they came up against the buzzsaw of Team Stannis/Davos, who outscored their projections by 51%, although their margin of victory was the smallest in the League. Maiden’s Warriors won this week against Night’s Winnerman. The Faceless Team whipped up on the Thorny Stags. IWillBeYourChampion creamed WinterWolves. 2Old2Care will not be winless this season after beating DragonKings. Flayers’ Players soundly beat GridIronBorn. Of note, GridIronBorn made three lineup mistakes, costing them the win.

\--

WardenWolf: we have the lowest pt total in the league  
YoungWolf: lower than walder  
WardenWolf: we couldnt not start packers  
YoungWolf: wouldnt be honorable

\--

LegitimizeThisBitches: hey fuckers, u got beat by a girl  
iluvgilly: brie is a vry good team owner  
IKnowALittleSomething: fu assrammers, shell kick ur ass 2  
LegitimizeThisBitches: least i won this week  
SharkReek: shut up  
SharkReek: dad is so pissed  
iluvgilly: but u all looked so nice in ur dresses

\--

WarriorMaiden: Tough break this week.  
URallAssholes: it happens  
WarriorMaiden: Can I talk to you about Marg?  
URallAssholes: going 2 warn me not 2 hurt her? is it a gurl thing?  
WarriorMaiden: 1. Screw you on this “girl thing.”  
WarriorMaiden: 2. She’s hard to pin down.  
URallAssholes: r u worried abt me getting hurt?  
WarriorMaiden: I just know Marg.  
URallAssholes: how sisterly of u  
WarriorMaiden: Don’t start.  
URallAssholes: u r the 1 who started, admit it  
WarriorMaiden: Admit what?  
URallAssholes: brienne n jaime sitting in a tree f-u-c-k-i-n-g  
WarriorMaiden: I can still crush you.  
URallAssholes: ur so cute when ur wrong

\--

BAMFLannister: Jaime. You lost to Stannis and Davos this week.  
Kingslayer: Their TE and QB outperformed their projections by 30 pts. We scored 10 pts more than every single team in the League, except Stavos.  
BAMFLannister: Stavos?  
Kingslayer: Stannis/Davos. Stavos. It’s a thing now.  
BAMFLannister: …  
Kingslayer: It’s one game. It’ll be fine.  
BAMFLannister: Your defense was pathetic.  
Kingslayer: We drafted Chicago. They are usually solid.  
BAMFLannister: So it was a drafting issue?  
Kingslayer: It was just unlucky.  
BAMFLannister: You must maintain focus, Jaime. You must win the League.  
Kingslayer: Family dynasty, blah blah, got it.  
BAMFLannister: …

\--

FertileNonagenarian: hey, girl  
WarriorMaiden: My name is Brienne.  
FertileNonagenarian: rams wnats me 2 trade him dez bryant 4 ray rice, good deal  
WarriorMaiden: Walder, do you watch the news?  
FertileNonagenarian: makes me fall asleep  
WarriorMaiden: Ray Rice has been released from the Ravens and suspended indefinitely for brutalizing his girlfriend in an elevator.  
FertileNonagenarian: shudnt trade 4 him then  
WarriorMaiden: No, you shouldn’t.  
FertileNonagenarian: so, his gf, she single now? lookin?

\--

BeardedStag: Nice job this week, Jaqen. You creamed us.  
Unknown: A man wins his first game, but there are eleven more to go.  
BeardedStag: I didn’t see you at the bar?  
Unknown: A man avoids other men in dresses.  
BeardedStag: Good call.

\--

LimpingLord: We beat the you soundly.  
YoungWolf: we relied 2 much on packers  
LimpingLord: Oberyn says you wore a dress?  
YoungWolf: Did he say I looked better than Jon?

\--

RedHeadedMother: We are heading back to Winterfell. Jaime and Tyrion lost to Stannis and Davos.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Tywin is furious.  
RedHeadedMother: He won’t go after Brienne, will he?  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: He can be ruthless when it comes to fantasy football, but I think she can hold her own.  
RedHeadedMother: I hate using her to get to the Lannisters.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: It seems to me she’s enjoying herself.  
RedHeadedMother: Well, there is that. Jaime and Brienne, who would have thought it would be like that?  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Lannister men have a certain skill set.  
RedHeadedMother: Oh really?

-

SharkReek: dad is gunna kill me  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Not my fault.  
LegitimizeThisBitches: we won and my dad is still pissed  
TheLastDragon: father fathers fathers, my father was betrayed by the lannisters and forced 2 leave this league  
SharkReek: u didnt hvae 2 wear a dress  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: You’re just mad because Jon looked better than you.  
SharkReek: he did NOT

\--

Evenstar: Good job this week.  
WarriorMaiden: Thanks! It's good to get the first win under my belt.  
Evenstar: Where did you watch the games?  
WarriorMaiden: At a sportsbar. Heading home soon.  
Evenstar: Did you have a good time?  
WarriorMaiden: ...Yes?

\--

PinkISPretty: so u won this week?  
FlayMaster: Indeed.  
PinkISPretty: can i set your lineup next week?  
FlayMaster: No.  
PinkISPretty: i could do better than ramsay  
FlayMaster: Don’t you have cupcakes to bake?  
PinkISPretty: im trying prune ones

\--

FingerfewerHand: Week 1, no fist fights, no blood, no broken furniture.  
CommissionerByRight: Well, I have concerns about the condition of Jaime and Brienne’s hotel room and that bathroom stall.  
FingerfewerHand: Love, we’ve banged a headboard once or twice in our time.  
CommissionerByRight: That time in Vale was rather… vigorous.  
FingerfewerHand: I still maintain the bedframe was already damaged.  
CommissionerByRight: You and I both know that’s not true, Davos.  
FingerfewerHand: Yes.  
CommissionerByRight: The Vale…  
FingerfewerHand: We could do that again tonight?  
CommissionerByRight: Davos. Wait until we get home.  
FingerfewerHand: I'll be good.  
CommissionerByRight: Thank you. We’ve never had different owners involved in a relationship. Do you think someone will suggest they are colluding?  
FingerfewerHand: Don’t borrow trouble, Stannis. Remember your blood pressure.

\--

Kingslayer: She's finally gone.  
WarriorMaiden: She had a nice visit.  
Kingslayer: She can never come back. She doesn't belong in King's Landing.  
WarriorMaiden: I don't know, she might decide to go to college here.  
Kingslayer: Whatever. My place tonight?  
WarriorMaiden: I could come over for a while?  
Kingslayer: And stay the night.  
WarriorMaiden: I have to work in the morning.  
Kingslayer: I'll set the alarm.  
WarriorMaiden: I could just, you know, go home, uhm, after.  
Kingslayer: Why would you do that?  
WarriorMaiden: I don't know?  
Kingslayer: I thought you wanted to stay.  
WarriorMaiden: I didn't know you wanted me to?  
Kingslayer: Well. I do.  
WarriorMaiden: Okay. Well. I should stop by my place and get some clothes.  
Kingslayer: I'll follow you out.  
WarriorMaiden: Why don't you stay here and I'll tell you when I'm on my way to your place?  
Kingslayer: You don't want to leave together?  
WarriorMaiden: I mean, I just thought it would be easier.  
Kingslayer: Okay. As long as you're coming over.  
WarriorMaiden: I will.  
Kingslayer: And staying.  
WarriorMaiden: If you're sure...  
Kingslayer: I am.  
WarriorMaiden: I'll leave now.  
Kingslayer: Hey. Brienne?  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime?  
Kingslayer: I'll miss you.


	9. Week Two, Monday and Tuesday.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A couple of these next chapters are shorter, so I'm combining them.  
> Week Two, Monday is "Will You Be My Girlfriend, BlossomBooBunnyCup?"  
> Week Two, Tuesday is, as requested, "Boxers or Briefs?"

**Week 2, Monday**

Needler: u have 2  
ChampionRower: do not  
Needler: do 2  
ChampionRower: do NOT  
Needler: im getting help

[Needler has invited WarriorMaiden to the conversation.]  
[Needler has invited Kingslayer to the conversation]  
[Kingslayer has joined the conversation.]  
[WarriorMaiden has joined the conversation.]

Kingslayer: Who should I punch?  
WarriorMaiden: JAIME.  
Kingslayer: A Lannister always pays his debts, Brienne. And I own the miniStark.  
Needler: im gunna grow!  
Kingslayer: And some day, you might be as tall as Jon Snow, who is still only half my height.  
ChampionRower: dont dis my gf  
WarriorMaiden: Hey Gendry.  
Needler: we need u 2 settle an argument  
Kingslayer: Why us?  
ChampionRower: no clue, hey brie  
Needler: i say gendry needs 2 wear green 2 shwo pack support  
ChampionRower: i don’t like green  
Needler: ur my BF  
ChampionRower: tht doesnt mean u choose my clothes!  
Needler: sansa always chooses her bfs clothes!  
ChampionRower: u want 2 be like sansa?  
Needler: SHUT UP. jaime, u wear clothes that brie wants u 2 wear, right?  
Kingslayer: Sure. If she asked. She’s my girlfriend.  
Needler: SEE  
WarriorMaiden: I am?  
Kingslayer: Uh. Yeah.  
ChampionRower: im just not a pushover  
WarriorMaiden: We never talked about it.  
Needler: jaime is not a pushover!  
Kingslayer: Did we need to? I mean, come on.  
ChampionRower: he wears clothes his gurl tells him 2, SANSA, hes a pushover  
Needler: do NOT call me that  
WarriorMaiden: Most people do.  
Kingslayer: You’re my girlfriend, Brienne. Everyone knows that.  
Needler: see hes not a pushover  
ChampionRower: u tell her jaime, she’s not the boss of u  
WarriorMaiden: Like people have never been wrong?  
Kingslayer: Wait. Are you saying you’re not?  
Needler: uhmmm  
WarriorMaiden: I just don't think we should assume these things. What if we aren't on the same page?  
Kingslayer: We are on the same page.  
Kingslayer: Aren't we?  
WarriorMaiden: I don't know?  
Kingslayer: After all the time we spent together, after last night, you have to ask?  
ChampionRower: askings better than wearing packer clothes  
Needler: SHUT UP  
WarriorMaiden: I just don't know what that means to you. I mean. You never say.  
Kingslayer: You can't think that you aren't my girlfriend.  
Kingslayer: If that's what you want?  
ChampionRower: he at leasts asks, u just told me  
Needler: shut up  
WarriorMaiden: Is that what you want?  
Kingslayer: Yes. I thought we were.  
WarriorMaiden: Are you sure? I don't want you to think you have to say that just because...  
Kingslayer: Fucking hells.  
ChampionRower: exactly!  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime! They are children.  
Kingslayer: FINE. Brienne, will you please officially be my girlfriend?  
Needler: u can give her ur class ring  
ChampionRower: HAH. u ahve to wear my varsity rowing hoodie!  
Needler: NOT FAIR  
ChampionRower: totes fair!  
Kingslayer: Brienne?  
Needler: itll be like a dress on me  
ChampionRower: dont care!  
WarriorMaiden: Yes.  
Kingslayer: Do I have to dig out my old class ring now?  
Needler: rnt u 2 old 4 that?  
Kingslayer: Shut up, Starklet.  
WarriorMaiden: No.  
ChampionRower: ill wear a stupid green shirt  
Kingslayer: You can wear my green plaid shirt?  
WarriorMaiden: Do I have to?  
Needler: YES

\--

BAMFLannister: I’m concerned about Jaime.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Oh?  
BAMFLannister: He’s distracted. His door is locked. He leaves the office at odd hours. He’s taking extraordinarily long lunches.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Indeed.  
BAMFLannister: What do you know Olenna?  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Why do you lock your door in the middle of the day?  
BAMFLannister: …  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Exactly.

\--

  
WarriorMaiden: So Jaime asked me to be his girlfriend!  
LadyRose: How very high school of him.  
WarriorMaiden: Marg!  
LadyRose: Are you having a girl moment?  
WarriorMaiden: Shut up.  
LadyRose: Are your cheeks all pink?  
WarriorMaiden: I said shut up!  
LadyRose: I’m just teasing, Brienne. If anyone deserves a bended knee “Please be my girlfriend” it’s you.  
WarriorMaiden: He asked me in chat.  
LadyRose: Okay. A little lame.  
WarriorMaiden: But he asked!  
LadyRose: About damn time though.  
WarriorMaiden: So are you Tyrion’s girlfriend now?  
LadyRose: Is Jaime buying you a promise ring?  
WarriorMaiden: Don’t change the subject.

\--

WardenWolf: we need 2 help r team  
YoungWolf: new running back?  
WardenWolf: who would be willing 2 trade?

\--

WarriorMaiden: I’ve got to drop Adrian Peterson. I mean. He’s a great running back, but I can’t have a child abuser on my team.  
Kingslayer: Trade him to Walder or Theon, honeybunny.  
WarriorMaiden: No one is going to trade me for a suspended player.  
Kingslayer: He’s Adrian Peterson, sweetiepeaches. You have to be smart about this.  
WarriorMaiden: But it would be wrong.  
Kingslayer: Why, darling?  
WarriorMaiden: I just don’t think it would be the right thing to do.  
Kingslayer: Offer him to the Starks. They are all about honor, but fuck, their team sucks, sugar.  
WarriorMaiden: Too many Packers.  
Kingslayer: Bet they give up honor for a win, sweetheart.  
WarriorMaiden: I’ll do it.  
Kingslayer: Not like you did me though, princess ?  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime…  
Kingslayer: You like my dining room table, don't you, baby?  
WarriorMaiden: You like it. I have a bruise on my shoulder blade. And why are you saying all that honey, baby stuff?  
Kingslayer: Isn't that what couples do?  
WarriorMaiden: I don't know. Do they?  
Kingslayer: I think so?  
WarriorMaiden: Do we have to?  
Kingslayer: Don't you like it?  
WarriorMaiden: It just seems weird.  
Kingslayer: You try it.  
WarriorMaiden: Okay.  
WarriorMaiden: Sugarbumpkin?  
Kingslayer: Honeypie?  
WarriorMaiden: Babycakes?  
Kingslayer: Cutiepops?  
WarriorMaiden: That's weird.  
Kingslayer: Okay, what should we call each other?  
WarriorMaiden: How about Jaime and Brienne?  
Kingslayer: Sounds good, wench.  
WarriorMaiden: Idiot.

\--

**Week 2, Tuesday**

WardenWolf: i don’t think i can do it  
YoungWolf: we need 2 b practical  
WardenWolf: but hes also a viking and he beat his kid  
YoungWolf: innocent until proven guilty  
WardenWolf: ur right, it’s dishonorable 2 punish a man before conviction  
YoungWolf: so we trade 2 brienne 4 adrian peterson?  
WardenWolf: after this week, we think anout it  
YoungWolf: a viking…  
WardenWolf: I know

\--

LadyRose: So...ladies and gentlemen. Boxers or briefs?  
IronsIslandsBattleBabe: What do I wear or what do I like?  
URallAssholes: boxer briefs  
IKnowALittleSomething: boxers  
iluvgilly: isn’t that personal?  
CommissionerByRight: Davos and I keep our underclothes private.  
FingerfewerHand: Briefs.  
FingerfewerHand: Woops.  
CommissionerByRight: …  
UKnowUWantMe: ren wears bikinis, i wear thongs  
Kingslayer: *shudder*  
YoungWolf: boxers  
MrsYoungWolf: Boxer briefs look sexy.  
SharkReek: ahahahhahaha, boxers  
PinkISPretty: roosie has these leather ones, i sewed pink flayed men on them for him  
FlayMaster: Walda, we do NOT discuss such things.  
LegitimizeThisBitches: MY EYES MY EYES  
KissedByFire: I like a man who goes commando.  
IKnowALittleSomething: Since when?  
WardenWolf: tightie whities  
RedHeadedMother: You mean loosie grey-ies.  
TheLastDragon: purple silk boxers  
KellyCsBear: briefs  
BAMFLannister: Why in the world would you people discuss such things?

[BAMF has left the conversation.]

BeenThereDoneThatQueen: He wears bikini briefs.  
Kingslayer: …  
URallAssholes: i have never hated u more olenna  
SexViper: I love the freedom of commando.  
SexontheSand: As do I.  
FertileNonagenarian: whts commando?  
LadyRose: No underwear at all.  
FertileNonagenarian: i jes wear depends  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Oh gods.  
FertileNonagenarian: u’ll be saying that on r date  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: We already went.  
CommissionerByRight: You are dating Walder?  
FertileNonagenarian: demmit, i slept thru it, did you like my deepends?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Just once. Never again.  
WarriorMaiden: I suddenly want Olenna to talk more.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Of course you do.  
UKnowUWantMe: me2  
Bronn4Sale: boxr briefs  
TheLastDragon: i hate u people  
SharkReek: mutual dude  
KissedByFire: Brienne, what does Jaime wear?  
WarriorMaiden: …  
WardenWolf: y would brie know?  
RedHeadedMother: I’ll tell you later, dear.  
LadyRose: We are waiting?  
Kingslayer: Are you going to answer?  
WarriorMaiden: Ask Tyrion.  
URallAssholes: not his laundry service  
WarriorMaiden: You don’t do your own laundry?  
KissedByFire: Stop avoiding the question.  
Kingslayer: I have a cleaning lady.  
WarriorMaiden: Have you ever done your own laundry?  
LadyRose: Answer! We need to know.  
YoungWolf: i dont need 2 know  
SharkReek: me neither  
MrsYoungWolf: I’m curious.  
LegitimizeThisBitches: don’t know dont care  
PinkISPretty: id like 2 know  
FlayMaster: Little Wife…  
FertileNonagenarian: i need 2 change my depends  
Unknown: A man has lost his lunch  
FertileNonagenarian: me2!

\--

BAMFLannister: Excuse me?  
Needler: how long did it take u?  
BAMFLannister: I’m not sure I understand your question.  
Needler: its not hard, how long were u dating ur gf b4 u kissed her?  
BAMFLannister: I kissed her on our first date.  
Needler: oh, how old were u  
BAMFLannister: My age is no concern of yours, young woman.  
Needler: u dont hve to get cranky abt it  
BAMFLannister: I am not cranky.  
Needler: …

\--

WarriorMaiden: I have to go shopping tonight. My dryer is broken.  
Kingslayer: I can come over and fix it.  
WarriorMaiden: Seriously Jaime?  
Kingslayer: You doubt my abilities?  
WarriorMaiden: Have you ever fixed a dryer?  
Kingslayer: No, but how hard can it be?  
WarriorMaiden: Have you ever used a dryer?  
Kingslayer: I do my own laundry.  
WarriorMaiden: …  
Kingslayer: Okay, not the sheets and towels.  
WarriorMaiden: I’ve already looked at it. It needs replaced.  
Kingslayer: I’ll go with you.  
WarriorMaiden: I can buy one myself in less than an hour. If you come along, it will take three.  
Kingslayer: Why do you say that?  
WarriorMaiden: You’ll want to have sex before we even leave. You’ll pretend to know what you’re talking about and argue with the salesperson. You’ll try to pay and we’ll have a fight in the store.  
Kingslayer: We can make it a quickie. I’ll not argue at all. You should let me buy you things.  
WarriorMaiden: I can buy my own dryer.  
Kingslayer: But you’re okay with the quickie?  
WarriorMaiden: How about this, no quickie, you keep quiet, I buy a dryer and then we pick up some food and come back to my place?  
Kingslayer: Since your dryer broke, do you have your sexy underwear hung up around your house so I can fondle them?  
WarriorMaiden: …  
Kingslayer: Excellent. We’ll go with your plan, except I’m buying.  
WarriorMaiden: You can buy dinner.  
Kingslayer: And your dryer.  
WarriorMaiden: Dinner.  
Kingslayer: Dryer.  
WarriorMaiden: Dinner.

[SharkReek has joined the conversation.]

SharkReek: Who let the boobs out (tits tits tits tits)  
Who let the boobs out (tits tits tits tits)  
Who let the boobs out (tits tits tits tits)  
Who let the boobs out (tits tits tits tits)  
Kingslayer: Gods, you’re an idiot. No wonder Marg would rather date Tyrion.  
SharkReek: wut?

\--

WardenWolf: really?  
RedHeadedMother: Sometimes, Ned, you just don’t see what’s right in front of your face.

\--

Kingslayer: Hey.  
WarriorMaiden: Hey. I’ll be ready to leave in about 45 minutes.  
Kingslayer: Great. So. Is your washer broken too?  
WarriorMaiden: No...it’s fine. Why?  
Kingslayer: I hear there’s this thing you can do with the washer...on spin cycle.  
WarriorMaiden: Spin the water our of your clothes? That doesn’t take the place of a dryer, Jaime.  
Kingslayer: Not that kind of thing.  
WarriorMaiden: You mean…?  
Kingslayer: I mean.  
WarriorMaiden: We are having that quickie, aren’t we?  
Kingslayer: YES.

 


	10. Week Two, Wednesday.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What Do Other Couples Do?

WarriorMaiden: Come on. Do we even talk anymore and it not turn into sex talk?  
Kingslayer: It always turned into sex talk before. You just never noticed.  
WarriorMaiden: It did?  
Kingslayer: Brienne. I have been flirting with your since Day One, you stupid wench.  
WarriorMaiden: You just like teasing me.  
Kingslayer: I do like teasing you. You get all red and cute.  
WarriorMaiden: Red and splotchy.  
Kingslayer: And your skin gets so warm when you blush.  
WarriorMaiden: Stop it.  
Kingslayer: Are you blushing right now?  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime.  
Kingslayer: What?  
WarriorMaiden: All we do is have sex.  
Kingslayer: We are making up for lost time.  
WarriorMaiden: Shouldn’t we do things other couples do?  
Kingslayer: What do other couples do?  
WarriorMaiden: I have no idea...maybe we should ask other couples?  
Kingslayer: Fine.  
Kingslayer: We are still going to have lots of sex though.  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime…  
Kingslayer: You’ll be screaming that later.

\--

CommissionerByRight: I’m not sure I understand your question, Jaime.  
Kingslayer: What do you two do, like in the evenings?  
FingerfewerHand: One of us will cook.  
CommissionerByRight: If I have Shireen for the night, I will assist with her homework.  
FingerfewerHand: There are always errands to run.  
CommissionerByRight: We need to go to the paint store and return those two gallons. We asked for eggshell and they incorrectly gave us ecru.  
FingerfewerHand: It’s less than a shade off, Stannis.  
CommissionerByRight: It doesn’t match the other ceilings, Davos.  
FingerfewerHand: We can stop and get new paint.  
CommissionerByRight: I’ll make that vegetable lasagna you like so much for dinner.  
FingerfewerHand: We can stop and get brownies for dessert, too.  
CommissionerByRight: I prefer the frosted ones.  
FingerfewerHand: As do I.  
Kingslayer: So...you’re going to stop by the hardware store, pick up dessert, cook dinner and then fuck?  
CommissionerByRight: I beg your pardon.  
FingerfewerHands: Most likely.

\--

BeardedStag: Sometimes we cook.  
UKnowUWantMe: or go out  
BeardedStag: We shop, go to movies, we went to mini golf once.  
WarriorMaiden: Mini golf is fun. Jaime and I could go play mini golf.  
UKnowUWantMe: we made it strip mini golf  
WarriorMaiden: Seriously?  
UKnowUWantMe: so, hows ur hair?  
WarriorMaiden: What?

\--

Kingslayer: So like, in the evenings, what do you do?  
MrsYoungWolf: Robb is usually tired after work. We have dinner, then watch TV. We don’t talk nearly as much as we used to.  
Kingslayer: You want to talk more to Robb? Isn’t he kind of...boring?  
MrsYoungWolf: We used to talk all the time about our hopes and dreams, what we wanted from our lives. Now we talk about househunting and maybe getting a dog.  
Kingslayer: But hopes and dreams? That’s the conversation you liked having?  
MrsYoungWolf: For hours. And then we’d make love and talk some more.  
Kingslayer: Sex and talking about hopes and dreams. Got it.  
MrsYoungWolf: Robb never wants to have sex anymore.  
Kingslayer: Uh...okay?  
MrsYoungWolf: We are trying to have a baby.  
Kingslayer: Doesn’t that usually require you to have sex?  
MrsYoungWolf: We need to have sex when I’m ovulating.  
Kingslayer: Uhm.  
MrsYoungWolf: Robb says when I ovulate, it turns him off.  
Kingslayer: He can tell? I thought that was a secret woman thing. And I’d like to keep it a secret woman thing.  
MrsYoungWolf: So, can I ask you a question?  
Kingslayer: I have no clue about how he would know…  
MrsYoungWolf: Did you use something?  
Kingslayer: We aren’t trying to have kids. I mean, I don’t think we are.  
MrsYoungWolf: I mean, something to get it up?  
Kingslayer: GODS. NO. Why does the entire population of Westeros think I need erectile dysfunction medication? Is there some Flaccid Cock of the North disease? Really?  
MrsYoungWolf: You think it’s the weather?  
Kingslayer: I’d rather not think about Robb’s cock, ever. For any reason.  
MrsYoungWolf: He has red pubes, you know.  
Kingslayer: …

\--

YoungWolf: dunno, brie, jeyne cooks dinner, we talk abotu houses  
WarriorMaiden: Every evening?  
YoungWolf: mostly, i play video games, she looks at real estate on line and baby stuff  
WarriorMaiden: Don’t you talk?  
YoungWolf: used 2, now it’s all babies babies babies, she wants one  
WarriorMaiden: Don’t you?  
YoungWolf: i mena, i want her 2 be happy, i want an heir, a son, 2 carry on the name  
WarriorMaiden: So how is that going?  
YoungWolf: weird not 2 have sex 4 fun  
WarriorMaiden: Uhm. Okay.  
YoungWolf: i wanted 2 all the time b4 it became abt babies  
WarriorMaiden: …  
YoungWolf: now id rather play call of duty  
WarriorMaiden: Does Jeyne play with you?  
YoungWolf: not n e more

\--

Kingslayer: You do what?  
WardenWolf: cat usually has a list of chores 4 me  
Kingslayer: Chores? Like keeping your room clean?  
WardenWolf: she calls it her honey-do list  
Kingslayer: Is she your mother or your wife?  
WardenWolf: bit a both?  
Kingslayer: So when do you have sex?  
WardenWolf: tues and sat usually, unless shes mad at me, then it’s only on wed  
Kingslayer: You...schedule it?  
WardenWolf: we have 4 kids in the house...and theon sometimes  
Kingslayer: Ned, that sounds fucking awful.  
WardenWolf: i can’t say that, wouldnt be honorable

\--

WarriorMaiden: So you spend most of your time taking care of the kids?  
RedHeadedMother: And Ned is completely useless about it. He’s terrible at helping the boys with homework, although he’s right there when it comes to making some destructive science project. Did I mention the baking soda and vinegar volcanoes? How he once tried to make a pop bottle explode using Mentos?  
WarriorMaiden: Mentos?  
RedHeadedMother: And the time he made his own slime using all my liquid starch.  
WarriorMaiden: Why would you want to make slime?  
RedHeadedMother: My point EXACTLY. Lately, he’s been talking about building a fog tornado.  
WarriorMaiden: Why?  
RedHeadedMother: Married life, Brienne. It’s not all you think it would be.  
WarriorMaiden: Oh, I’m not talking married life. I just meant what do couples do.  
WarriorMaiden: Like...other than, you know…  
RedHeadedMother: You mean other than have sex?  
WarriorMaiden: ...yes?  
RedHeadedMother: Have sex while you can, Brienne. Have sex before you start thinking to yourself “If he did the laundry, that would be the most amazing foreplay ever.”

\--

PinkISPretty: roosie spends a lot of time in the basement or in his work shed  
Kingslayer: Roose is a dentist. He has a work shed?  
PinkISPretty: he practices with his drills out there  
Kingslayer: He practices giving root canals?  
PinkISPretty: i think so…  
Kingslayer: And what do you do?  
PinkISPretty: i bake and watch cooking shows and im redecorating the house  
Kingslayer: Got it.

\--

FlayMaster: I do not discuss my personal details with strangers.  
WarriorMaiden: I just asked if you had any hobbies.  
FlayMaster: And that is personal.

\--

SexontheSand: We spend a lot of time with Oberyn’s daughters. He is a very involved father.  
Kingslayer: But when it’s just you two?  
SexontheSand: Sex, mostly. With each other, with friends, we occasionally watch sex videos.  
Kingslayer: Watch porn?  
SexontheSand: It can be very erotic.  
Kingslayer: So, uh, do you have any recommendations?  
SexontheSand: We watch the videos we have made.  
Kingslayer: Uh...  
SexontheSand: Don’t tell Jon Snow. I rather enjoy tormenting him about whether or not they exist.  
Kingslayer: I’m all for tormenting Snowflake.  
SexontheSand: Perhaps you and Brienne would like to come to Dorne and join us for a weekend? We could make several videos together?  
Kingslayer: ...I’ll ask?

\--

WarriorMaiden: What do you and Tywin do?  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: He reads a lot of work reports in the evenings. I work as well.  
WarriorMaiden: And that’s it?  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Well, we don’t see each other every day. It’s not as if we live together. We travel as well.  
WarriorMaiden: Oh. You don’t see each other every day?  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: We both like our space.  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime isn’t much on space.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: The relationship is new. He’s probably still unsure of his role with you.  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime is sure of everything. I’m the one always doubting.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: You have to find what works for you, dear. What did you do before?  
WarriorMaiden: We worked out a lot, running, going to the gym.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Do you still do that? You should.  
WarriorMaiden: Yes, but not as much...Jaime….  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: I understand. He is a Lannister man, dear.  
WarriorMaiden: Tyrion doesn’t seem to be like that with Marg?  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Tyrion and Margaery? I knew she was keeping secrets!  
WarriorMaiden: !  
WarriorMaiden: You cannot tell her I told.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: I know how to keep a secret.

\--

iluvgilly: we watch a lot of movies  
Kingslayer: Pornos?  
iluvgilly: NO! like disney movies  
Kingslayer: Kid’s movies?  
iluvgilly: we both like frozen

\--

KissedByFire: He likes me to read to him.  
WarriorMaiden: Out loud?  
KissedByFire: Yes. And we watch a lot of TV. We binge watch shows, Louie, Community, Breaking Bad, Kingsmoot 911, Mad Men.  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime and I aren’t much into TV.  
KissedByFire: Jon and I have been together so long, we like sitting around together.  
WarriorMaiden: When you first got together though…  
KissedByFire: Fucked like rabbits.

\--

IKnowALittleSomething: ur asking me relationsip advice?  
Kingslayer: NO.  
IKnowALittleSomething: good dude, i suk at it  
Kingslayer: So I hear.

\--

URallAssholes: srsly, thyre like teenagers  
LadyRose: All hormones and awkwardness.  
URallAssholes: they seem happy tho  
LadyRose: It is kind of adorable.

[WarriorMaiden has joined the conversation.]

URallAssholes: watchin teenage love bloom  
WarriorMaiden: Who? Arya and Gendry? They are nice together.

[Kingslayer has joined the conversation.]

LadyRose: Arya and Gendry. That’s it.  
Kingslayer: Wait, were we going to ask them too?  
WarriorMaiden: I think he watches her play hockey and she watches him row. School sports stuff. Homework.  
Kingslayer: Got it.  
URallAssholes: whut r u doing?  
Kingslayer: Okay, this is what I found out that other couples do.  
Kingslayer: Cook dinner, run errands, watch porn, have sex, play with drills, talk about hopes and dreams, househunting and decorating, home repair.  
WarriorMaiden: I have: mini golf, parenting, make slime, play video games, it’s none of my business, work at home, watch tv, read, and workout/run.  
LadyRose: Uhm. Are you making lists?  
Kingslayer: Thanks. Forgot that. Cat also makes lists.  
WarriorMaiden: List making doesn’t seem like a real activity?  
URallAssholes: wtf?  
Kingslayer: Hey. Marg, Tyr. You’re a couple. What things do you do as a couple?  
LadyRose: …  
URallAssholes: gotta go, marg, don’t we have 2 go talk about tht thing?  
LadyRose: Yes. That thing. I’ll see you in another chat room.

[LadyRose has left the conversation.]

URallAssholes: u2 need 2 shut it

[URallAssholes has left the conversation.]

Kingslayer: WTF?  
WarriorMaiden: I don’t know. I accidentally told Olenna they were dating.  
Kingslayer: You went to my father’s girlfriend to ask her what they do in the evenings?  
WarriorMaiden: ...Yes? I mean she already knows about us.  
Kingslayer: She does?  
WarriorMaiden: Marg told her. And she asked the most embarrassing questions.  
Kingslayer: Do I want to know?  
WarriorMaiden: About your nose…  
Kingslayer: Okay. Stop there.  
WarriorMaiden: Did you find out anything else?  
Kingslayer: If Ell mentions it, tell her I asked and you said no.  
WarriorMaiden: Said no to what?  
Kingslayer: Her and Oberyn.  
WarriorMaiden: Oh gods. He asked if they could ...join us...in Winterfell.  
Kingslayer: I will break his face.  
WarriorMaiden: Come on Jaime. It was kind of flattering.  
Kingslayer: Flattering? You find Oberyn Martell flattering?  
WarriorMaiden: He’s got a certain charm.  
Kingslayer; What, so you’re all hot for him now? With his sleazy calling you goddess?  
WarriorMaiden: I am not hot for him. I’m just saying, it was completely embarrassing, but in retrospect, nice to be asked.  
Kingslayer: Do you think he’s hotter than I am?  
WarriorMaiden: Shut up, you idiot.  
Kingslayer: So what are we doing tonight?  
WarriorMaiden: Let’s go running and then make dinner?  
Kingslayer: Then fuck?  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime…  
Kingslayer: Wench?  
WarriorMaiden: Idiot.  
Kingslayer: I know, I’m stupid for asking. Of course we are going to fuck. You can’t resist me.  
WarriorMaiden: *rolls eyes*  
Kingslayer: I’m totally irresistible.  
WarriorMaiden: ...kind of.


	11. Week Two, Thursday and Friday.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Week Two, Thursday is some really terrible cybersex.  
> Week Two, Friday is HATS!

**Week 2, Thursday, Steelers @ Ravens**

WarriorMaiden: You want to what?  
UKnowUWantMe: in honor of the newly dubbed couples game night, we should all wear hats  
LadyRose: Couples game night?  
UKnowUWantMe: yeah...u know, brie and jaime r out of the closet, u and tyrion, couples game night  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime and I were never IN the closet.  
UKnowUWantMe: we heard u n the closet brie, we heard the clothes bar get ripped from the wall  
WarriorMaiden: I deny that.  
LadyRose: You just want to wear your pink sequined princess hat to cover your hair.  
UKnowUWantMe: shut up about my hair!

\--

KellyCsBear: I mostly use it as a bookmarking system of things I’d like to look at later.  
Unknown: A man fills his pinterest with dragons.  
KellyCsBear: Who doesn’t like dragons?  
Unknown: A White Walker does not like a dragon.  
KellyCsBear: You have a point there.  
Unknown: A man also pins flowing dresses and candles.  
KellyCsBear: Daenerys has started a Party Lite candle business. She hold parties.  
Unknown: A man is not a Party Lite representative.  
KellyCsBear: I’m hosting a party though. Would you like to attend?  
Unknown: A man runs screaming.

[Unknown has left the conversation.]

\--

IronIslandsBattleBabe: Trust me, Walder. Use this lineup. You’ll win.  
FertileNonagenarian: i won alst week  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Just keep doing what I tell you, you’ll be fine.  
FertileNonagenarian: ill buy u dinner at the country buffet as thanks?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: No thanks, necessary.  
FertileNonagenarian: demmit, no one will take me 2 the buffet  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: I can’t imagine why not.

\--

PerfectPrincess: he won’t tell me  
SharkKing: i stay out of clegane business  
PerfectPrincess: i just want 2 know why sandor got beaten up by his bro  
SharkKing: and i just want ben roethlisberger not 2 suck ass 2night  
PerfectPrincess: who’s he?  
SharkKing: big dumb idiot jerk my idiot jerk dumb son drafted  
PerfectPrincess: does fantasy football really matter?  
SharkKing: shut ur mouth, shut ur dirty stark mouth, girl  
PerfectPrincess: FINE. i still have pics of theon in a dress  
SharkKing: fuk me

\--

SexontheSand: They make me sneeze.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: I like the soy ones.  
KellyCsBear: Daenyres will selling Party Lite candles as a side business. Would you like to book a party?  
SexontheSand: Not for me.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: She’s going to travel across the Narrow Sea, all the way across Westeros for a candle party?  
KellyCsBear: Perhaps not.

\--

WarriorMaiden: You’re starting Steve Smith and Antonio Brown tonight?  
Kingslayer: Yep.  
WarriorMaiden: And you pulled Moreno out of your lineup?  
Kingslayer: He’s going to have a bad week.  
WarriorMaiden: Do you have some inside information?  
Kingslayer: Nope. I’m just good. Want to know what else I’m good at?  
WarriorMaiden: Are you wanting to try to cybersex again? You know it never works.  
Kingslayer: It will work if you just let it.  
WarriorMaiden: *rolls eyes*  
Kingslayer: Instead of pretending, let’s just talk about what we’re going to do tonight.  
WarriorMaiden: Eat pizza and watch football?  
Kingslayer: Why are you so stubborn, wench?  
WarriorMaiden: Why are you so bossy, idiot?  
Kingslayer: Do as I say! Now. I’ll start.  
Kingslayer: I want you to do that thing on my shoulder.  
WarriorMaiden: The thing with my teeth or the other thing.  
Kingslayer: Both. Your turn, what do you want me to do to you?  
WarriorMaiden: I...uh….that thing you do with your hand on my back. I like that.  
Kingslayer: The squeezy thing or the rubbing thing?  
WarriorMaiden: It’s more like a swirly thing?  
Kingslayer: Got it. I am so going to do that to you so hard. I’m also going to do that thing I like to do with my hand on your hip.  
WarriorMaiden: That is a good thing. I’ll do that thing with my leg that you seem to like.  
Kingslayer: You mean the thing where you squeeze while I’m doing that other thing?  
WarriorMaiden: Yeah, you make a noise when I do that.  
Kingslayer: I do?  
WarriorMaiden: Everytime. Are you saying you don’t like that?  
Kingslayer: I do like it. I just didn’t realize I made a noise when you did it.  
WarriorMaiden: It’s a good noise. Like a moan or a groan. I mean, I like it when you make that noise.  
Kingslayer: Good. I’ll try to do it more.  
WarriorMaiden: No, don’t.  
Kingslayer: What?  
WarriorMaiden: I like it when you make that noise because you are enjoying the leg thing. I don’t want you to make that noise unless you want to.  
Kingslayer: Maybe you should just do the leg thing then.

[SharkReek has joined the conversation.]

SharkReek: Why do you build tits up Tittycup, baby  
Just to let tits down (let tits down) and mess me around  
And then worst of all (worst of all) you never call, baby  
When tits say you will but I love tits still  
I need tits (I need tits) more than anyone, darlin'  
You know that I have from the start  
So build tits up (build tits up) Tittycup, don't break my heart  
WarriorMaiden: That’s what I said. That I’d do the leg thing.  
Kingslayer: And I’ll make that noise you like.  
SharkReek: whut leg thing?  
Kingslayer: Fuck off, Peon.  
WarriorMaiden: Go away.  
SharkReek: damnit

[SharkReek has left the conversation.]

Kingslayer: Where were we?  
WarriorMaiden: The leg thing and the noise thing?  
Kingslayer: How about that tongue thing?  
WarriorMaiden: Which one?  
Kingslayer: ...All of them?

\--

**Week 2, Friday**

SharkKing: rothberger sucks  
SharkReek: he was the best qb availabel!  
SharkKing: u picked a KICKER inthe 10th round  
SharkReek: I was trying 2 get walder 2  
SharkKing: u are an idiot, ur sister is twice the fantasy football manager than you will ever be  
SharkReek: dad, im trying  
SharkKing: raised by starks!

\--

URallAssholes: going 2 kick boring pirate ass this week  
Kingslayer: Making some lineup changes. I feel good about this one.  
URallAssholes: cant lose to reek, he’s such a dumbfuck  
Kingslayer: Holding a grudge against him?  
URallAssholes: 4 what?  
Kingslayer: He used to date Marg?  
URallAssholes: y would that bother me?  
Kingslayer: You saying it doesn’t?  
URallAssholes: I’m saying we need to kick ass this week.

\--

LadyRose: Are we really wearing hats to game night?  
WarriorMaiden: Up to you. I’m sure Jaime would want to wear something ridiculous.  
LadyRose: Let’s invite them.

[LadyRose has invited URallAssholes to the conversation.]  
[WarriorMaiden has invited Kingslayer to the conversation.]  
[Kingslayer has joined the conversation.]  
[URallAssholes has joined the conversation.]

URallAssholes: Ladies?  
Kingslayer: Brienne.  
Kingslayer: Hey Marg.  
LadyRose: Renly and Loras want us to wear hats at game night.  
URallAssholes: uh...y?  
WarriorMaiden: I have no idea.  
Kingslayer: I think it sounds fun. Wench, you can wear one of those maids hats.  
WarriorMaiden: No.  
LadyRose: I have a nice cloche I can wear.  
URallAssholes: i vote no on hats  
WarriorMaiden: I’m with Tyrion on this.  
URallAssholes: tallchick, *fist bump*  
Kingslayer: I have a red cowboy hat I can wear.  
WarriorMaiden: Or not.  
LadyRose: How about one of those plaid golf caps, Tyrion?  
Kingslayer: You like my red cowboy hat. I can work it.  
URallAssholes: dont golf, dont have a golf cap  
WarriorMaiden: …  
LadyRose: I’ll pick one up for you tomorrow.  
WarriorMaiden: If we are getting stuck wearing hats, I’m calling baseball cap.  
Kingslayer: I still like the idea of you in one of those white maid’s caps. Or a nurse’s hat.  
URallAssholes: fukin a  
Kingslayer: A nurse’s uniform too. With a really short skirt.  
LadyRose: If we’re going full costume, you can borrow Loras’s chaps. He wears them with nothing underneath.  
WarriorMaiden: …  
URallAssholes: no thx on that visual  
Kingslayer: Buzzkill.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For sandwichesyumyum. You inspired me with this, Jaime's [Red Sequined Cowboy Hat](http://sandwichesyumyum.tumblr.com/post/97882806106/jaime-whaddya-think-of-my-hat-wench-brienne)
> 
> [Party Lite Candles](http://www.partylite.com/regional/home) are like selling Tupperware.


	12. Week Two, Wrap Up.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To clarify these Wrap Up chapters, unless otherwise specified, the King's Landing people (Jaime, Brienne, Tyrion, Renly, Loras, Stannis, Davos, etc.) are at a sports bar, watching the games together and the Northern people are in Winterfell or at the Wall. Selwyn is hanging out on Tarth. Viserys and Jorah are exiled to Essos. Just roll with it.
> 
> This chapter is "A New Bet."

**Week 2 WrapUp**

IWillBeYourChampion, The Faceless Team, Maiden’s Warriors, 2Old2Care and Flayers’s Players all remained undefeated this week, with IWillBeYourChampion handing Team Stannis/Davos their first loss. Hear Me Kick Ass got their first win of the season over the hapless GridIronBorn by choosing to bench Knowshon Moreno and start Zac Stacy. Smooth move, Hear Me Kick Ass. Flayers’ Players had the smallest margin of victory this week over DragonKings, who remain winless. Also still looking for their first win of the season are Night’s Winnerman, WinterWolves and ThornyStags.

\--

Evenstar: You are doing great.  
WarriorMaiden: I’ve gotten a little lucky. Manning pulled me out of a hole. I’m trying to trade Peterson.  
Evenstar: I understand why you didn’t want to keep him.  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime won this week.  
Evenstar: You’ve been seeing a lot of this Jaime Lannister boy.  
WarriorMaiden: Uhm. Well, Dad, we are officially dating now.  
Evenstar: You didn’t change your Facebook status.  
WarriorMaiden: …  
Evenstar: That was a joke, honey.  
WarriorMaiden: Okay. Because I don’t even have a Facebook.  
Evenstar: All my friends do. We play Candy Crush Saga.  
WarriorMaiden: No clue.  
Evenstar: I’m going to have a talk with this fellow.  
WarriorMaiden: No, Dad. Please don’t.  
Evenstar: He needs to be warned about the consequences of his actions.  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime is...well he’s Jaime. It’s good right now.  
Evenstar: It better stay that way.  
WarriorMaiden: Promise me you won’t call him.  
Evenstar: I won’t call him.  
WarriorMaiden: Or internet chat him.  
Evenstar: …  
WarriorMaiden: Dad?  
Evenstar: For my little girl. I promise I won’t internet chat him. Love you.  
WarriorMaiden: Okay. Love you.  
Evenstar: Unless he messages me first.

\--

IKnowALittleSomething: this is humiliating, we lost to wlder  
WardenWolf: palying walder has always been like a bye week  
UKnowUWantMe: we play him next week, think he’s getting advice?  
iluvgilly: i saw im talkin 2 brienne once  
TheLastDragon: they r probably colluding! im telling stannis!

\--

CommissionerByRight: Viserys, as I understand it, you were chatting with Ned, Jon, Sam and Loras and they reported to you that Brienne has chatted with Walder. On that basis, you are accusing Brienne and Walder of collusion?  
TheLastDragon: yes! they r clearly colluding  
CommissionerByRight: As Commissioner, it is within my discretion to refuse to investigate baseless allegations. Unless you have some proof of actual collusion, I will take no action.  
TheLastDragon: DICK  
CommssionerByRight: As I once heard my daughter say, ‘Takes one to know one.’

\--

FertileNonagenarian: heh heh  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Just keep doing what I tell you.

\--

SharkReek: fukin jaime, fuckin tyrion  
LegitimizeThisBitches: ur just jealous tyrion is fukin marg  
SharkReek: FUCK YOU

\--

WarriorMaiden: How do you do that?  
Kingslayer: Make you come like a Super Bowl Champ?  
WarriorMaiden: I mean pull the best players out of your lineup and substitute others in and then have an amazing week?  
Kingslayer: I’m good?  
WarriorMaiden: You’re still 1-1.  
Kingslayer: No matter. I’m going to CRUSH that Martell sleazebag next week.  
WarriorMaiden: He has a good team.  
Kingslayer: 1. He’s a Martell. They are egotistical idiots. He’ll do something stupid and get himself killed.  
Kingslayer: 2. He kissed your hand and therefore must die.  
Kingslayer: 3. I’m better than he is.  
WarriorMaiden: You’re pretty sure of yourself.  
Kingslayer: I’m going to double him up next week.  
WarriorMaiden: You mean score twice as many points as he does?  
Kingslayer: Yep.  
WarriorMaiden: That’s near impossible.  
Kingslayer: Bet on it?  
WarriorMaiden: What are we betting?  
Kingslayer: If I win, you have to start doing more girlfriendy things.  
WarriorMaiden: What are girlfriendy things?  
Kingslayer: Wear my clothes. Hold my hand. Kiss me.  
WarriorMaiden: I like my own clothes and I do hold your hand. And we do kiss.  
Kingslayer: Hold my hand and kiss me in public! Like couples do. You know. Make out. Embarrass strangers.  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime...  
Kingslayer: Ten gooey displays of affection in public each week.  
WarriorMaiden: 5  
Kingslayer: 8  
WarriorMaiden: Fine. I don’t know why I’m negotiating. No way are you going to double up.  
Kingslayer: Uh huh. And what do you want if the impossible happens and I lose?  
WarriorMaiden: You have to stop trying to make me cybersex you.  
Kingslayer: Only through the rest of the fantasy football season.  
WarriorMaiden: Okay. If you score twice as many points as Oberyn in Week Three, I’ll display public affection to you 8 times each week for the rest of the season. And WHEN you lose, you’ll stop trying to force me into cybersex for the rest of the season.  
Kingslayer: Embarrassing over-the-top displays.  
WarriorMaiden: Okay.  
Kingslayer: Should we tell Stannis?  
WarriorMaiden: You think he wants to enforce something like that?  
Kingslayer: I’m telling him anyway. So you can’t get out of it.  
WarriorMaiden: Whatever.  
Kingslayer: So...my place tonight?  
WarriorMaiden: If you want.  
Kingslayer: I do. I want you. Right now.  
WarriorMaiden: *rolls eyes*  
Kingslayer: Hey. Did you sign me up for the youtube channel “Selwyn ‘Evenstar’ Tarth’s Best Bonecrushing Hits"?  
WarriorMaiden: ?  
Kingslayer: I keep getting email alerts that a new hit had been added.

\--

LegitimizeThisBitches: but we still won!  
FlayMaster: Barely.  
LegitimizeThisBitches: we play jon/sam next week, easy win  
FlayMaster: Better be.

\--

CommissionerByRight: How would I enforce that, Jaime?  
Kingslayer: Don’t care. Just put the bet on the books.  
CommissionerByRight: I’ll note it, but really.  
FingerfewerHand: Do you want it on the public Side Bet board?  
Kingslayer: Hmm...no, she’d get all blushy.  
CommissionerByRight: I’ll verify the bet with her and then record it, but not on the public forum.  
Kingslayer: I love it when she blushes.  
FingerfewerHand: That’s nice for you, Jaime.  
Kingslayer: She has amazing legs.  
FingerfewerHand: I’m sure she does.  
Kingslayer: They go on forever. I like to lick my way up them.  
CommissionerByRight: Please stop.  
FingerfewerHand: You realize I’m friends with her father? He’s amazing at Candy Crush.  
Kingslayer: Did you sign me up for his youtube channel?

\--

SexViper: I will crush you Lannisters next week.  
URallAssholes: blah blah blah fishcakes  
SexViper: What?  
URallAssholes: sorry u hate dad, not like ur the only 1  
SexViper: You wish to bring about his downfall as well?  
URallAssholes: uh...he doesn’t have a team this year  
SexViper: But you and your brother do.  
URallAssholes: im not him and jaime is all busy cybersexxing brienne  
SexViper: Cybersex? Why did I not know this?  
URallAssholes: maybe ur sexth sense is broken  
SexViper: I do have a bit of a cold. All that time in the frigid North.  
URallAssholes: 7hells

\--

Kingslayer: Bet recorded.  
WarriorMaiden: Fine.  
Kingslayer: Your dad is a big guy.  
WarriorMaiden: Uhmmm..  
Kingslayer: Let’s leave, wench.  
WarriorMaiden: My name is Brienne.  
Kingslayer: I know.


	13. Week Three, Monday-Thursday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Monday, Are Your Nipples Hard?  
> Tuesday, I'm Late.  
> Wednesday, Delicate Handling.  
> Thursday, Whatever You Want.

**Monday**

Kingslayer: Okay. I have an idea.  
WarriorMaiden: Should I be afraid?  
Kingslayer: No. Look. I’m just going tell you what to do.  
WarriorMaiden: I don't think so.  
Kingslayer: Trust me.  
WarriorMaiden: No.  
Kingslayer: Run your hand down your neck.  
WarriorMaiden: What?  
Kingslayer: Just do it. Run your hand down your neck and then rub two fingers back and forth on your collarbone.  
WarriorMaiden: Seriously?  
Kingslayer: Just do it.  
WarriorMaiden: This is so weird.  
Kingslayer: Is it weird when I do that?  
WarriorMaiden: No…  
Kingslayer: So imagine it’s me.  
WarriorMaiden: Okay…  
Kingslayer: Now run your fingers over the top of your right breast.  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime...  
Kingslayer: Just try it.  
WarriorMaiden: Fine. Shirt on?  
Kingslayer: Yes. To protect your sensibilities, you can keep all your stupid clothes on.  
WarriorMaiden: My clothes aren’t stupid.  
Kingslayer: Whatever. I hate your clothes. Are your nipples hard?  
WarriorMaiden: ... A little. Because you asked.  
Kingslayer: Good. Now take both hands and rub circles on them. Until I tell you to stop.  
Kingslayer: ...  
Kingslayer: ...  
Kingslayer: ...  
Kingslayer: Okay. Stop.  
Kingslayer: Did you like that?  
WarriorMaiden: ... yes?  
Kingslayer: Excellent. Now I want you to pinch one nipple a little bit and spread your legs, not all the way, just until your thighs are pressing the arms of your chair.  
WarriorMaiden: Okay…  
Kingslayer: Now take one hand and run it from your knee all the way up your inner thigh and back. Think about my hand doing that.  
WarriorMaiden: Okay...Jaime…  
Kingslayer: Keeping rubbing your inner thigh but keep getting moving further up your leg. You like that? Are you getting warmer? A little wet now?  
WarriorMaiden: Just keep going.  
Kingslayer: Now I want you to grab your breast and squeeze, just a little, and grip your thigh at the same time. Imagine it's me. My hands on you. I’d be kissing your neck right now too.

[SexViper has joined the conversation.]

WarriorMaiden: I kind of like this.  
SexViper: Ah, what is it that the goddess Brienne likes?  
Kingslayer: Get the FUCK out Martell.  
SexViper: Oh, I want to hear what the goddess Brienne likes. Whatever it is, I’m sure I can do it better than you, limp dick Lannister.  
WarriorMaiden: Uhm. I have to go.  
Kingslayer: No, Brienne, we weren’t done. I had it all written out.  
WarriorMaiden: You wrote out a script?  
SexViper: You’re making a movie? Ellaria and I make films.  
Kingslayer: No Oberyn, you sick fuck, we aren’t not making porn for you. Get the fuck out.  
SexViper: Jaime, Jaime. Sorry to ruin your fun. Or perhaps not.  
SexViper: I will see you later, goddess.

[SexViper has left the conversation.]

Kingslayer: Where were we?  
WarriorMaiden: I think that ruined the mood.  
Kingslayer: DAMMIT.  
WarriorMaiden: It was was better though.  
Kingslayer: Good. I think we can make this work.  
WarriorMaiden: Is this like a mission for you?  
Kingslayer: Yes!  
WarriorMaiden: Why?  
Kingslayer: So we can be close all day?  
WarriorMaiden: Whatever Jaime. You're going to have to give up when I win the bet.  
Kingslayer: Not going to lose.  
WarriorMaiden: It's almost impossible to double up and Oberyn is undefeated.  
Kingslayer: Whatever. Are your nipples still hard?  
WarriorMaiden: Stop asking that!  
Kingslayer: :)

\--

**Tuesday**

LadyRose: You’re on time for everything Brienne. You live to be on time.  
WarriorMaiden: Not that kind of late.  
LadyRose: ...OH?  
WarriorMaiden: Exactly.  
LadyRose: Wait. Aren't yours like 2 days long, barely there and pretty irregular, like once every three or four months? Didn't you once not notice?  
WarriorMaiden: Shut up. I didn't last month either.  
LadyRose: So?  
WarriorMaiden: ?  
LadyRose: So…  
WarriorMaiden: Can you…  
LadyRose: You are completely incapable of going to the store and buying your own pregnancy test, aren't you?  
WarriorMaiden: They’d look at me funny.  
LadyRose: *rolls eyes*  
WarriorMaiden: Please, Marg? I'm just all nervous. I've never been with someone like this. It's probably nothing, right?  
LadyRose: Well you have had more sex in the past three weeks than you've had in your entire life. Shouldn’t you be relaxed?  
WarriorMaiden: …  
LadyRose: Really, Brienne? Really?  
WarriorMaiden: Please?  
LadyRose: Fine. Meet me for lunch and we’ll get this done.

\--

PinkISPretty: so u don’t think I should do the one w almond extract?  
SexontheSand: Oberyn and I prefer buttercream. The almonds can leave a bitter taste in your mouth.  
PinkISPretty: what color should i use?  
SexontheSand: Blue or green can stain. Reds can as well. I’d go with just plain white frosting.  
PinkISPretty: and ur sure Roosie will like food sex?  
SexontheSand: A man likes it when a woman to runs her tongue over his body, seeking out each crevice, making his nerve endings come alive until he quivers with desire.  
PinkISPretty: but why do i need to use cake frosting?  
SexontheSand: To make it better for you.

\--

MrsYoungWolf: I just want to get pregnant.  
LadyRose: I know. How is the trying going?  
MrsYoungWolf: Robb’s cock just doesn’t want me when I’m fertile.  
LadyRose: Have you tried doing something different? I mean, he was all into the idea of you masturbating in the shower?  
MrsYoungWolf: You think that would work?  
LadyRose: Making sex about sex instead of about making a baby? Probably.

[iluvgilly has joined the conversation.]

MrsYoungWolf: My cervical mucus is creamy. I’m going to join Robb in the shower after work and make him have sex with me tonight!  
LadyRose: Good idea. So, what’s the best pregnancy test on the market?  
iluvgilly: im gonna go

\--

RedHeadedMother: If it’s fresh, still wet, run it under cold water immediately. If that doesn’t work, try hydrogen peroxide.  
FlayMaster: And if it’s dried?  
RedHeadMother: I suggest toothpaste, or you can also beat the fabric with a meat tenderizer.  
FlayMaster: Beating the clothing with a meat tenderizer will remove blood stains?  
RedHeadedMother: If they are dry and crusty enough, it should help.  
FlayMaster: Thank you, Catelyn. Can I ask you one more thing?  
RedHeadMother: Of course, Roose.  
FlayMaster: Don’t mention this to Walda.

\--

WarriorMaiden: I’m having lunch with Margaery today.  
Kingslayer: I’ll grab Tyrion and meet you.  
WarriorMaiden: You CAN’T.  
WarriorMaiden: I mean. No. She wants to talk about Tyrion. A relationship talk.  
Kingslayer: Dammit. Tonight though?  
WarriorMaiden: We'll see. I’ll call you.  
Kingslayer: Good. Maybe we can run?  
WarriorMaiden: I’ll let you know. I have to go.  
Kingslayer: Brienne?  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime?  
Kingslayer: *kiss*

 

**Wednesday**

LadyRose: I see troubled waters ahead.  
URallAssholes: talkin like a pirate 4 some reason?  
LadyRose: Pirate? No.  
URallAssholes: k…fuk pirates  
LadyRose: Brienne and Jaime.  
URallAssholes: wut now?  
LadyRose: Brienne is getting all weird.  
URallAssholes: y?  
LadyRose: She’s Brienne?  
URallAssholes: fine, how does he fix it?  
LadyRose: She needs delicate handling for a while.  
URallAssholes: oo, got it

\--

SexontheSand: I’ve done it.  
RedHeadedMother: Explain it again.  
SexontheSand: You sit at a table, reading a book. The camera films you from the table up only.  
PinkISPretty: r u naked?  
SexontheSand: I wore a dress with nothing underneath.  
SexontheSand: I read the book aloud while Oberyn was under the table, making love to me with his mouth.  
RedHeadedMother: And you just read?  
SexontheSand: Until the pleasure overcame me.  
PinkISPretty: and u posted it on youtube?  
SexontheSand: It’s called Hysterical Literature. You should do it.  
PinkISPretty: i dont think roosie would…  
SexontheSand: You could get someone else, or sit on a Sybian.  
PinkISPretty: whats a sybian?  
RedHeadedMother: That’s a conversation for another time, Walda.  
PinkISPretty: hmph  
SexontheSand: So would you and Ned be interested?  
RedHeadedMother: He tends to be so private and buttoned down about these things…and you know, the kids. What if the kids saw it?  
SexontheSand: You could just make one for you...or for him.

\--

URallAssholes: a relationship talk?  
Kingslayer: Yeah at lunch yesterday and last night Brienne said she didn’t feel well.  
URallAssholes: she might have had a headache  
Kingslayer: She could have come over anyway. Or invited me over. We could have just hung out.  
URallAssholes: hav u even gone a day w o fucking her?  
Kingslayer: ...There was that Saturday the TeenBarbie Stark was in town.  
URallAssholes: mebbe she wants a sex break?  
Kingslayer: I’d just cuddle her if she wants?  
URallAssholes: and not try to fuck her?  
Kingslayer: I could do it. I mean. I could. I have self control.  
URallAssholes: uh huh  
Kingslayer: Fine. I’ll prove it. I’ll just cuddle her tonight.  
URallAssholes: u know there r times when she might not what u around?  
Kingslayer: What?  
URallAssholes: didn't u have 2 watch the "boy bodies, girl bodies” video?  
Kingslayer: OH. You think it's that time of the month?  
URallAssholes: jes sayin, it's possible she's delicate right now

\--

LadyRose: Did you tell him?  
WarriorMaiden: You know there's nothing to tell.  
LadyRose: A pregnancy scare is something you should tell him about.  
WarriorMaiden: I'm not, it's fine.  
LadyRose: But Brienne, you were a mess yesterday.  
WarriorMaiden: I told him I didn't feel well.  
LadyRose: You should talk to him about the possibility.  
WarriorMaiden: Have you talked to Tyrion about it?

[SharkReek has joined the conversation.]

SharkReek: Oh, won't you take tit home tonight?  
Oh, down beside your tits tonight  
Oh, and you give tit all you got  
Big titty girls you make the rocking world go round  
Big titty girls you make the rocking world go round  
LadyRose: Tyrion and I are a bit different than that.  
SharkReek: u realy datin him?  
LadyRose: That’s none of your business.

\--

BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Tywin says Jaime is distracted.  
RedHeadedMother: He still won last week. Ned’s team is dreadful.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Is that a bad thing?  
RedHeadedMother: He’s thinking about trading for a Viking.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Adrian Peterson?  
RedHeadedMother: Yes, that’s the one.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: He’ll never do it. Ned’s too much about honor.  
RedHeadedMother: I wish he’d be more about yardwork.

\--

URallAssholes: yo tall chick  
WarriorMaiden: Hey.  
URallAssholes: u want 2 tell me sumthin?  
WarriorMaiden: What would I have to tell you?  
URallAssholes: about u and marg and lunch yesterday?  
WarriorMaiden: NO NO NO. OH GODS. DID SHE TELL YOU?  
URallAssholes: y don’t u tell me?  
WarriorMaiden: There’s nothing to tell. I swear. I mean. If there’s nothing to say, why should anyone even mention it, right? It was just stupid. Let’s never mention it again. To anyone.  
URallAssholes: so, its just stupid? and nothing 2 talk about?  
WarriorMaiden: Yes. Everything is fine. Just fine. Just the way it is. No changes.  
URallAssholes: i see

 

**Thursday, Buccaneers at Falcons**

Kingslayer: So, I just cuddled her last night.  
URallAssholes: uh. good?  
Kingslayer: You told me too.  
URallAssholes: i told u she was delicate  
Kingslayer: It was weird.  
URallAssholes: course it was, u werent fuckin her 2 the point of exhaustion  
Kingslayer: Shut up.

\--

WarriorMaiden: No, I was in a good mood last night.  
LadyRose: So?  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime didn’t want me.  
LadyRose: Huh?  
WarriorMaiden: He just rubbed my back and got me a bowl of ice cream.  
LadyRose: And that’s a problem?  
WarriorMaiden: I was kind of wanted to ...  
LadyRose: Why didn’t you jump him?  
WarriorMaiden: I couldn’t DO that.  
LadyRose: Why not?  
WarriorMaiden: I mean, what if he didn’t want to?  
LadyRose: Men always want to.  
WarriorMaiden: No they don't.  
LadyRose: Brienne, have you ever made the first move?  
WarriorMaiden: NO. I don’t even know how.  
LadyRose: You’ve never been the one to initiate?  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime always does.  
LadyRose: Every time?  
WarriorMaiden: You think he doesn’t want me anymore?  
LadyRose: I’m sure it’s fine. Stop yourself from going into panic mode.  
WarriorMaiden: I do not go into panic mode.  
LadyRose: Brienne?  
WarriorMaiden: Shut up. He hasn’t asked me about my underwear today.  
LadyRose: What?  
WarriorMaiden: He calls every day on the way to work and asks me what panties I’m wearing.  
LadyRose: Don't you spent most nights together?  
WarriorMaiden: Yes.  
LadyRose: But he doesn't know what underwear you have on?  
WarriorMaiden: I get dressed in the bathroom.

\--

SharkReek: shes really dating tyrion  
LegitimizeThisBitches: how long ago did u break up?  
SharkReek: during playoffs last year  
LegitmizeThisBitches: so like, 8 mos?  
SharkReek: yeah  
LegitimzieThisBitches: have u fuked some1 else?  
SharkReek: sure, dude, come on, i dont go 8 mos wo sex  
LegitmizeThisBitches: think she did?  
SharkReek: fuk u

\--

BeardedStag: They barely went for hat night. They aren't going to go for this.  
UKnowUWantMe: back me up ren  
BeardedStag: Fine. I'll invite them.

[BeardedStag has invited WarriorMaiden to the conversation.]  
[BeardedStag has invited LadyRose to the conversation.]  
[BeardedStag has invited Kingslayer to the conversation.]  
[BeardedStag has invited URallAssholes to the conversation.]  
[WarriorMaiden has joined the conversation.]  
[Kingslayer has joined the conversation.]  
[LadyRose has joined the conversation.]  
[URallAssholes has joine the conversation.]

URallAssholes: sup?  
UKnowUWantMe: uh, ren and i were thinkng, since hat night was such a success, and it's jaimes turn to host we could do bathrobe night and play games in the bathroom  
WarriorMaiden: Hat night was not a success.  
Kingslayer: Didn't you like my red cowboy hat?  
WarriorMaiden: You talked with a fake accent all night.  
Kingslayer: I thought you found it charming?  
WarriorMaiden: It made Taboo impossible and we lost.  
URallAssholes: no way am i wearing a bathrobe around u fuckers  
LadyRose: I'm against holding game night in a cramped bathroom.  
Kingslayer: My bathroom is the size of your place, isn't it Brienne?  
WarriorMaiden: I'm with Tyrion, no bathrobes.  
BeardedStag: It was just an idea.  
UKnowUWantMe: 2 keep game night from gettin boring  
WarriorMaiden: Are things getting boring?  
Kingslayer: Why won't you tell them about my bathroom?  
URallAssholes: this is a stupid idea  
UKnowUWantMe: fuk u tyrion  
LadyRose: There is no reason to fight about this.  
BeardedStag: Maybe instead of bathrobes, we could wear our pajamas?

\--

PinkISPretty: im not that good w grilling. i bake  
LadyRose: If you don’t want to ask Cat, you should ask Stavos.  
MrsYoungWolf: Who?  
LadyRose: Stannis and Davos. They’ve been together so long that they are just a single unit now.  
MrsYoungWolf: GODS. Will Robb and I become Jebb? Royne?  
PinkISPretty: roosie and I could be woosie  
LadyRose: Or Rosda.  
MrsYoungWolf: What are Ned and Cat? Nedlyn? Catard?

[LadyRose has invited WardenWolf to the conversation.]  
[WardenWolf has joined the conversation.]

LadyRose: Nedlyn? Catard?  
WardenWolf: wht?  
PinkISPretty: if u combine ur names as a couple?  
WardenWolf: y would we do that?  
MrsYoungWolf: Like Stavos.  
WardenWolf: uh...k. wait cat says jaime and brie are dating, are they braime or jaenne?  
LadyRose: Now that is a good question.

\--

Kingslayer: Want me to pick up more ice cream?  
WarriorMaiden: Uh no. How about pizza? We are watching the game, right?  
Kingslayer: Sure, we can do whatever you want. We can even watch a movie instead.  
WarriorMaiden: A movie?  
Kingslayer: Steel Magnolias or something.  
WarriorMaiden: You want to watch Steel Magnolias?  
Kingslayer: Sure, I mean. If that’s what you want to do.  
Kingslayer: Whatever you want. I’m here for you.  
WarriorMaiden: I want to watch the game.  
Kingslayer: We can do that too, but if you just want ice cream and Steel Magnolias and me to rub your back, that’s fine.  
WarriorMaiden: Uhm. Okay.  
Kingslayer: You just have to tell me.  
WarriorMaiden: I’m telling you I want pizza and football.  
Kingslayer: Okay. And we’ll just cuddle.  
WarriorMaiden: If that’s all you want...


	14. Week Three, Friday.  The Break Up.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There will be a final chapter for this installment posted late tonight or early tomorrow.

WarriorMaiden: He's not interested in me anymore.  
LadyRose: Don't be ridiculous.  
WarriorMaiden: I was just a novelty to him. Now he's bored.  
LadyRose: Brienne. I'm sure that's not it.  
WarriorMaiden: He hasn't tried to invade my shower in days. He hasn't leered at me.  
LadyRose: He invades your shower?  
WarriorMaiden: Not any more.  
LadyRose: Did you try making a move?  
WarriorMaiden: I rubbed his arm.  
LadyRose: And?  
WarriorMaiden: He kissed my hand and asked me if my sportsbra was comfortable.  
LadyRose: Fucking hells.

\--

SexontheSand: I’m sorry Viserys, but Oberyn and I are just not interested.  
TheLastDragon: what? is he afraid youd have a dragon and never go back?  
SexontheSand: Dornishmen have never been frightened of dragons.  
TheLastDragon: then why not me?  
SexontheSand: Dornishwomen have standards

\--

Kingslayer: I have been the perfect boyfriend.  
URallAssholes: uh huh  
Kingslayer: I rubbed her back. I got her ice cream. I let her deal with her stuff privately. I cuddled her all night long. I even offered to watch chick flicks.  
URallAssholes: k...so whuts the prob?  
Kingslayer: I think she's mad at me.  
URallAssholes: whut stupid thing did u do?  
Kingslayer: That's what I'm telling you. NOTHING.  
URallAssholes: fukin hells

\--

iluvgilly: dunno theon, gilly and i r just happy w each other  
SharkReek: but how can marg want tyrion and not me?  
iluvgilly: he’s kinda smart, and funny  
SharkReek: like im not smart!  
iluvgilly: …

\--

Kingslayer: Coming over tonight?  
WarriorMaiden: I don’t know.  
Kingslayer: Want me to come to your place?  
WarriorMaiden: Maybe we should stay at our own places tonight?  
Kingslayer: ...Why?  
WarriorMaiden: I don’t know.  
Kingslayer: Just come to my place.  
WarriorMaiden: I might stay and work late.  
Kingslayer: Come over when your done. I had a key made for you. I'll have it messengered over.  
WarriorMaiden: A key? To your place? For me?  
Kingslayer: Yeah, I mean, we spend most nights here anyway.  
WarriorMaiden: That doesn’t mean you have to give me a key...  
Kingslayer: I can clean out half the closet for you, or you can have a closet in the spare room.  
Kingslayer: No. I want your clothes with mine. So you to start walking around our bedroom naked. No more hiding in the bathroom.  
WarriorMaiden: Our bedroom? I don’t hide in the bathroom.  
Kingslayer: Well, I mean, your place is small. You should just move in here. It's a bigger place.  
WarriorMaiden: You want me to move in?  
Kingslayer: I know it's farther from your work, but I can get you a driver, or you can quit there and come work for me. Or not work. So we have more time together.  
WarriorMaiden: Is that what you want?  
Kingslayer: You're my girlfriend. Why wouldn't we move in together?  
WarriorMaiden: I just didn’t think that was something we were going to do.  
Kingslayer: Why wouldn’t we?  
WarriorMaiden: I need a little time here, to think.  
Kingslayer: What's to think about? You move in with me. It’s a great idea. Why didn’t I think of it before?  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime, I mean, it hasn’t even been 3 weeks.  
Kingslayer: We’ve been together for months now. I want to wake up in the mornings with you.  
Kingslayer: Imagine it. On Sundays, we can wake up together, fuck, have breakfast, check the injury reports and I can help you set your lineup.  
WarriorMaiden: What?  
Kingslayer: I miss you when you’re not here.  
WarriorMaiden: You're going to help me set my lineup?  
Kingslayer: Of course I will. I mean. You're my girlfriend. I'm not going to let you get embarrassed.  
WarriorMaiden: You won't let me embarrass myself?  
Kingslayer: I'll take care of you. Like I did last night.  
WarriorMaiden: You're going to basically run my team for me? So I don't get embarrassed?  
Kingslayer: Well, it would be embarrassing to me if my girlfriend lost to Walder Frey. Finishing fourth or fifth would be a great result for you. I'll help you.  
WarriorMaiden: You don't want me to embarrass you?  
Kingslayer: When are you leaving work?  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime.  
Kingslayer: Call me and say my name like that. I’ve missed hearing you say my name.  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime. Are you hard?  
Kingslayer: Why, Brienne, are you cybersexxing me? :)  
WarriorMaiden; Would it make you hard if I said yes? Are you hard?  
Kingslayer: Harder now that you've asked...Gods I want you.  
WarriorMaiden: Do you have a book there on your desk? Or a paperweight? Something heavy?  
Kingslayer: My nameplate is heavy?  
WarriorMaiden: Good. I want you to take your cock out of your pants.  
Kingslayer: YES. Finally!  
WarriorMaiden: Stand up and lay your cock on your desk, but don't touch it.  
Kingslayer: Yes, m'am. This is so fucking hot. I have missed you.  
WarriorMaiden: Now I want you to grab your nameplate. Tell me when you have it.  
Kingslayer: I have it in my hand. You are so amazing.  
WarriorMaiden: Now I want you to SMASH YOUR COCK WITH IT YOU ARROGANT ASS.  
Kingslayer: What?  
Kingslayer: What the fuck?

[WarriorMaiden has signed out of chat.]

Kingslayer: BRIENNE?

\--

URallAssholes: y is my bro throwing his stupid rubber ball against the wall btw r offices?  
LadyRose: Brienne emailed me that he’s the biggest jackass in Westeros.  
URallAssholes: and thts sumthing new?  
LadyRose: I don’t know. They exhaust me. Something about his name plate, her lineup and keys. It was all a bunch of caps lock and exclamation points.  
URallAssholes: get her 2 log back on at least  
URallAssholes: so he’ll stop bouncing that fukin ball  
LadyRose: I’ll try.

\--

Kingslayer: You are really angry with me?  
WarriorMaiden: In the words of Arya Stark, DUH.  
Kingslayer: Is this like when you were too stubborn to take my car?  
WarriorMaiden: I borrowed your car.  
Kingslayer: I wanted to give it to you.  
WarriorMaiden: You don’t give people CARS.  
Kingslayer: Why are you so stubborn, wench?  
WarriorMaiden: I am NOT stubborn.  
Kingslayer: Oh, being stubborn about being stubborn now.  
WarriorMaiden: Shut up before I choke you.  
Kingslayer: Oh please.  
WarriorMaiden: Are you saying I couldn’t?  
Kingslayer: Come on Brienne. You know how strong I am.  
WarriorMaiden: What?  
Kingslayer: I held you up against the wall didn’t I? Several walls in fact. I had to be pretty strong to do that.  
WarriorMaiden: Are you saying I’m fat?  
Kingslayer: Not fat but you’re not a small woman, Brienne. You’re tall and you have all those legs…  
WarriorMaiden: SHUT UP.

\--

UKnowUWantMe: hey sexy. what r we doin for dinner? m i doin u or r u doin me?  
BeardedStag: I told Stannis we’d go to theirs tonight  
UKnowUWantMe: FUCK, WHY

[BeardedStag has invited CommissionerByRight to join the conversation.]  
[CommissionerByRight joins the conversation.]

CommissionerByRight: Hello Renly.  
BeardedStag: what r we having for dinner when we come over?  
CommissionerByRight: I’m not sure. Davos is cooking tonight.

[CommissionerByRight has invited FingerfewerHand to the conversation.]

UKnowUWantMe: can’t believe we have to go sit there and watch stavos get all old man mushy  
UKnowUWantMe: pass the butter, please, dear  
UKnowUWantMe: you know that’s not good for your cholesterol, love  
UKnowUWantMe: i’d rather have my head in the toilet  
BeardedStag: He's still here you know?  
UKnowUWantMe: good pt. i’d rather have my head in your lap  
BeardedStag: later

[FingerfewerHand has joined the conversation.]

UKnowUWantMe: stavos is so annoying  
CommissionerByRight: Did you just call one of us “Stavos”?  
FingerfewerHand: Or both of us?  
UKnowUWantMe: it’s easier than sayin ur names  
UKnowUWantMe: u might as well be 1 person. ur a boring beardy bald single unit  
UKnowUWantMe: ur team name is team stannis/davos. stannisndavos. stavos  
CommissionerByRight: That’s ludicrous. Davos and I are fully differentiated individuals.  
FingerfewerHand: What he said.  
BeardedStag: snrk  
UKnowUWantMe: wevs, stavos, everyone calls u that now

\--

Kingslayer: Why are you being so ridiculous?  
WarriorMaiden: Now I’m being ridiculous?  
Kingslayer: I know it’s been that time of the month for you and you’ve been all emotional.  
WarriorMaiden: What?  
Kingslayer: Calm down. I know you’re hormonal. It’s okay. I’m here for you.  
WarriorMaiden: I’m hormonal? I need to calm down?  
Kingslayer: Clearly. You’re all worked up over something.  
WarriorMaiden: Oh. You are INFURIATING. Do you even listen to yourself?  
Kingslayer: Do you? You never hear what I say.  
WarriorMaiden: What am I supposed to be hearing Jaime?  
Kingslayer: You are MINE, Brienne. You’ve been mine since our very first date when you wore those sexy sweatpants and I am tired of you acting like you’re not.  
WarriorMaiden: I am not a POSSESSION.  
Kingslayer: Now you’re being ridiculous again. You’re not a possession, but you’re MY girl.  
WarriorMaiden: Your GIRL?  
Kingslayer: YES. You need to just relax. I’ll get you more ice cream and we can watch girly movies.  
WarriorMaiden: Is that what you think I want?  
Kingslayer: Well, it’s not like you WANT me.  
WarriorMaiden: What are you talking about?  
Kingslayer: You never want to kiss me in public or hold my hand. You won’t admit you like me in my green plaid boxer briefs. You won’t tell anyone you shower in my bathroom. You hide from me every morning. You never reach for me. You fight me on every single thing. I just want to take care of you until you’re feeling better.  
WarriorMaiden: I feel just fine! It is NOT that time of the month! I can take care of myself! I don’t need you to do it for me. I don’t need you.  
Kingslayer: Oh, I know you don’t need me. You make that very clear. It’s always “I don’t want to stay over at your place, Jaime. I don’t want to admit how much I enjoy your cock inside me, Jaime. Don’t kiss my neck in front of other people, Jaime. I want to pretend we aren’t really a couple, Jaime.” You need to work on that.  
WarriorMaiden: Now you’re being ridiculous.  
Kingslayer: I am not. You are a terrible girlfriend.  
WarriorMaiden: Is that really how you feel? That I'm a bad girlfriend?  
Kingslayer: It IS.  
WarriorMaiden: Well, okay then...  
Kingslayer: So when are you coming over?  
WarriorMaiden: Why would I come to your place?  
Kingslayer: Your place then?  
WarriorMaiden: We just broke up and I am going home to study the waiver wire for a quarterback so I can win the Iron Throne.  
Kingslayer: Don't be silly, wench. You? Win the Iron Throne? Now you're just joking. I'll head over to your place. Want me to grab wings? Subs?  
WarriorMaiden: OH YOU ARE AN ASS. DO NOT COME OVER.  
Kingslayer: I am coming over, we had a fight and since you're not all hormonal, we can have makeup sex.  
WarriorMaiden: SHUT UP. IF YOU SHOW UP HERE, I WON'T LET YOU IN.

[WarriorMaiden has logged out of chat.]

Kingslayer: Not a problem! I made myself a key!  
Kingslayer: Brienne? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Go ahead...hate on me. I can feel it coming :)
> 
>  
> 
> [Vana](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Vana/pseuds/Vana/works) wrote the Stavos conversation! Send her LOVE.


	15. Week Three, Wrap Up.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reminder, KL people are at a sports bar unless otherwise noted. Northern peeps are in the North. Essos people are in Essos. But uh, yeah, the KL people are together at a sports bar.

Hear Me Kick Ass had an unbelievable week scoring 141.65 points to IWillBeYourChampion’s 65.60. Hear Me Kick Ass started virtual unknown running back Kniles Davis and benched Matt Forte. It was an amazing move. By doubling up IWillBeYourChampion, Hear Me Kick Ass won a side bet with Maiden’s Warriors. Don’t worry Maiden’s Warriors, your team won this week too, making you 3-0 and vaulting you to first in the League. Also winning this week are Team Stannis/Davos and 2Old2Care, who is also 3-0. Getting their first win of the Season were Night’s Winnerman who beat Flayers’ Players and GridIronBorn who beat Dragon Kings. League standings are as follows:  
  
Rank | Team | Record  
1 | Maiden's Warriors | 3-0-0  
2 | 2Old2Care | 3-0-0  
3 | Hear Me Kick Ass | 2-1-0  
4 | Team Stannis/Davos | 2-1-0  
5 | The Faceless Team | 2-1-0  
6 | IWillBeYourChampion | 2-1-0  
7 | Flayers' Players | 2-1-0  
8 | Night's Winnerman | 1-2-0  
9 | GridIronBorn | 1-2-0  
10 | Thorny Stags | 1-2-0  
11 | WinterWolves | 0-3-0  
12 | DragonKings | 0-3-0  
  
Never before in the history of the League has 2Old2Care been ranked above 7th after Week Three.

\--

URallAssholes: games r ending, want me to stop by ur place? i can bring wine?  
LadyRose: Sounds good. How were Jaime and Brienne during the games?  
URallAssholes: who the fuk can tell w those 2? half the time their fighting is actually flirting  
LadyRose: I think that’s all the time, actually.  
URallAssholes: ur probs right, they seem 2b fight flirting right now, she’s glaring and he’s grinning  
LadyRose: They are still totally together, you know. She never made it home after pajama game night.  
URallAssholes: i liked that nightie u were wearing  
LadyRose: I have a shorter one of those in red.  
URallAssholes: im on my way

\--

Kingslayer: I doubled up Martell.  
WarriorMaiden: So?  
Kingslayer: I won the bet.  
WarriorMaiden: No.  
Kingslayer: Are you welching?  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime, we aren’t dating anymore.  
Kingslayer: Yes we are.  
WarriorMaiden: No, we’re not. You think I’m stupid and ridiculous and emotional and unable to set my own lineup although I’m currently first in the league!  
Kingslayer: WE ARE A COUPLE!  
WarriorMaiden: Saying it in all caps doesn’t make it true!  
Kingslayer: The fact that I spent most of Friday night with my COCK inside you DOES!  
WarriorMaiden: I am not discussing that!  
Kingslayer: Of course not, you never want to discuss it. You never want to actually talk about us! You are a terrible girlfriend!  
WarriorMaiden: And you are an egotistical ASSHOLE. I am NOT your girlfriend. SHUT UP.  
Kingslayer: You made me shut up Friday night when you tackled me, didn’t you? Tackled me to the ground, rubbed your body all over me. Oh, you made me shut up. Kept my mouth busy, didn’t you?  
WarriorMaiden: You broke in! I thought you were a burglar!  
Kingslayer: How many burglars have a key to your place?  
WarriorMaiden: Give that key BACK.  
Kingslayer: And what about last night?  
WarriorMaiden: You made me stay after game night!  
Kingslayer: Oh, like you didn’t want to fuck, Brienne? You showed up at my place wearing your blue “Fuck Me” sweatpants.  
WarriorMaiden: We were all wearing our pajamas!  
Kingslayer: You could have worn something else, but you KNOW what those sweatpants do to me. You practically seduced me! Forcing me to fuck you on the couch before we even got to the bedroom. And that other time on the table. That was ALL YOUR FAULT.  
WarriorMaiden: SHUT UP. You jumped on me!  
Kingslayer: You were BEGGING me to.  
WarriorMaiden: I WAS NOT.  
Kingslayer: You liked it well enough, didn’t you? Screaming my name, leaving bite marks on my shoulder. By the way, everyone can see that hickey I gave you.  
WarriorMaiden: GODS. SHUT UP. SHUT UP. SHUT UP.  
Kingslayer: Come here and kiss me, wench.  
WarriorMaiden: What?  
Kingslayer: You lost the bet, 8 embarrassing displays of affection in public per week. Come here and GROPE ME.  
WarriorMaiden: NO.  
Kingslayer: How dishonorable of you, Brienne.  
WarriorMaiden: Shut up!  
Kingslayer: Come here and stick your tongue down my throat and make me!  
WarriorMaiden: You are such an ASS.  
Kingslayer: You LOVE my ass. You need to squeeze it when you kiss me.  
WarriorMaiden: I’ll give you a peck on the cheek.  
Kingslayer: I want a LAP DANCE!  
WarriorMaiden: I hate you so much right now.  
Kingslayer: Come here and show me how much you hate me.  
WarriorMaiden: FINE.  
Kingslayer: And you’d better make it GOOD.  
WarriorMaiden: I WILL.  
Kingslayer: And GIRLFRIENDY.  
WarriorMaiden: That’s not even a WORD.

\--

YoungWolf: 0-3  
WardenWolf: but we are being tru 2 our team  
YoungWolf: But we suck  
WardenWolf: happens sometimes son

\--

Needler: STUPID PACK  
ChampionRower: they lost coz u made me wear green  
Needler: FINE. no more wearing green  
ChampionRower: HAH, u still have to wear my jacket  
Needler: shut up

\--

iluvgilly: sry jon, gilly and i were talking  
IKnowALittleSomething: during the games?  
iluvgilly: yeah, shes so great  
IKnowALittleSomething: sos ygs, but not during the game  
iluvgilly: gilly is going to help me look @ the waiver wire  
IKnowALittleSomething: shes a chick!  
iluvgilly: so is league leading brienne

\--

SharkReek: finally a win! dad might get off my ass  
LegitmizeThisBitches: we lost  
SharkReek: heh 2 jon and sam!  
LegitimizeThisBitches: mayeb i can get walda 2 make those prune cupcakes he likes  
SharkReek: dude, can i try some?  
LegitmizeThisBitches: nto near my bathroom

\--

UKnowUWantMe: jaime made us use his guest bath, im never gunna find out his conditioner!  
BeardedStag: I’m sorry, baby.  
UKnowUWantMe: at least j&b lost every game!  
BeardedStag: Because the fought the whole time.

[FertileNongenarian has joined the conversation.]

FertileNonagenarian: fuk you butt pirates! beat ur asses  
BeardedStag: Who is helping you Walder?  
UKnowUWantMe: u usually sleep thru setting ur lineup  
FertileNonagenarian: im taking ginko biloba  
UKnowUWantMe: is tht good 4 ur hair?

\--

IWillBeYourChampion: The goddess Brienne is very good.  
Unknown: A woman knows how to set a lineup.  
TheLastDragon: FUCK HER she is COLLUDING  
IWillBeYourChampion: I would collude with her.  
TheLastDragon: FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU ALL  
Unknown: A man acts the child.

\--

FingerfewerHand: Week 3 complete and no fist fights. No broken furniture. This sports bar isn’t going to ban us.  
CommissionerByRight: The League is running remarkably well.  
FingerfewerHand: All it took was the right man at the helm.  
CommissionerByRight: You make me blush, Davos.  
FingerfewerHand: Speaking of blushing, what in the world are Jaime and Brienne doing?  
CommissionerByRight: Oh my stars and garters.  
FingerfewerHand: He must be pretty strong to carry her like that.  
CommissionerByRight: Gods, don’t let them break any furniture.  
FingerfewerHand: I wouldn’t have thought he could see where was was going, but he made it out the door without running into anything.  
CommissionerByRight: They can’t drive attached at the mouth like that.  
FingerfewerHand: I suspect they’ll get a cab and scar the driver with their backseat activities.  
CommissionerByRight: Perhaps we should as well?  
FingerfewerHand: You have the best ideas, love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I so wanted to title this chapter "Blue 'Fuck Me' Sweatpants" but didn't want to give too much away.
> 
> That's it for this installment. 
> 
> Thanks to everyone who wrote a comment, sent a prompt or a PM. You're all so freaking wonderful. You gave me great ideas for Installment 7 and I have it parts already written, but I can't promise when it will be done. It will happen though. It is KNOWN.
> 
> I'll see you next time, and KEEP LAUGHING.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to everyone who wrote a comment, answered a question for me in chat, said something funny or just read and laughed. And a special thank you to those of you who read in the bathroom. It makes me feel special. Don't forget to courtesy flush.
> 
> I'm starting to consider the comments "Reader Participation." Please, participate. You all make me laugh so much. Thank you.
> 
> PS, Installment 7 is already partially written, but I still need topics for side conversations. Help me out.


End file.
